Family Fun Day and Diagnosis

So on Friday, we had a session with the Psychologist. He is awesome! I didn't think the kids were going to talk to him, but they have opened up to him and they really like him. He was with Kat for 5 minutes the first session and I could see it all over his face that he saw in Kat what I see in her. And then this last session, I told him that I needed him to fill out a form for the school to be able to move forward with her 504. He asked me what the 504 was supposed to include and I let him know that the school needed an official diagnosis, if she was ADHD or if she wasn't. He raised an eyebrow and said, "Really?" like saying, "They don't know already"? So he filled out the paper and officially diagnosed her with ADHD. He even let me know that he was suggesting medication.

I know that I have family and friends that think that's a big mistake, and they had instilled the fear of God in me because of their thoughts and opinions on this. I swore that I wasn't going to medicate her. I researched and researched and because of my own mental issues and anxieties, I scared myself to death. I told him all of this. I told him my fears and explained why I had them. He in turn explained to me the facts, the risks, and the myths.

I have been told everything from it will turn her into a zombie to they won't allow her into college if she is diagnosed with ADHD. Unfortunately, she IS in fact ADHD and she needs help, because if she doesn't receive the help, she won't be able to focus in school and be able to graduate in order to make it to college. I know all of this because I am ADHD and it was missed with me. I spent my entire time in school thinking I was just an idiot who couldn't get it. I was told my whole life that I was just a spoiled brat (What a joke).

There are far too many negative effects that can come about for her if this is ignored. ADHD doesn't go away. It may change, it may look different as she grows up, but it will always be there. You can't spank it away and you can't ignore it away. You also cannot will it away and you can't love it away.

I need help with Kathryn. I cannot handle her when she is in full on ADHD days. She doesn't listen, she fights with everyone, she steals, she lies, she doesn't recognize danger, she argues, she has huge meltdowns, she hurts herself, she hurts her brother. I can't fix this for her by ignoring it or by spanking her. This isn't a behavioral disobedience, she really can't help it.

So, we talked and he told me that medications have come a long way. They have a new time released medication that can really help her focus and do good in school. It will be wearing off by the time she gets home, so I will still have about an hour or two before bedtime where she may have trouble, but I can handle that. I really want her to do good in school. That's what matters.

So she has been officially diagnosed with ADHD combined, with Anxiety. Her name is on a waitlist to get in with the developmental pediatrician in Atlanta. There we will find out more about her current diagnoses and have her tested for Autism Spectrum Disorder. High Functioning. I believe she falls on the spectrum. So we shall see.

This day was extremely hectic and frustrating and stressful. Kat was in full force and just fighting everyone. We were all pulling our hair out, so me and Clara decided to sneak out and go to DQ for ice cream. Then we went and bought Kat's birthday present. We still weren't ready to give in and go home, so we went down to the lake to walk. It was so beautiful. The sun was setting and the ducks were all coming out to meet in the middle of the lake. I don't know if this is an every night thing that they do at sunset or not, but it was beautiful! We just watched in awe and listened to them talk to each other. They came in from every direction of our lake. There were more than a hundred of them, easily. It even sounded like they were laughing. LOL
----------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, we had a wonderful day out with all of us. We took the kids to Salem Park to play on the playground and to feed the ducks/geese.
When we got there, the kids went to the playground and I went to feed the first set of ducks/geese. They ran up to me, I fed them and then they ALL started to come to me. Then they began to fight each other for the food. :/  There were a lot of them.

Kathryn saw me and came over and started feeding them with me. She was scared but she did it. I was very proud of her. She had a few moments when I thought she was going to lose it, but she held it together and fed them and then ran back to the playground screaming, "Don't bite me! Don't bite me!" the whole way, straight through the geese. LOL

Kat Feeding the Geese

I walked around the lake and then came back to take Aiden out to feed them. He loved it. He was throwing the food at them though and causing the ducks to bite each other, he thought it was hilarious, but I felt bad for the ducks, they kept coming anyway.

We brought the guys home and me and the girls headed out to my Aunt's pool. It was bittersweet. The last swim of the year. :(

We got there and there were giant spiders and scorpions on the bottom of the pool, there was a little freak out moment for us all and then we cleaned it out and stepped into the water...and stepped immediately back out. It was freezing!! The girls started back in and thought they were going to ease in and get used to it inch by inch, lol...I jumped in and got it over with. It was awful. They were asking if their lips were blue and shivering but they wanted to swim. So we all went under and took the time to get used to it and had a blast swimming for about 45 minutes when I had to get out. They stayed in for another hour! Mommy just couldn't hang.

The girls had fun. They played with each other and actually got along for the most part. I just enjoyed watching them. It's rare to have them all together and not have to yell the whole time.

We had a great day and headed home for a great night. I love days like this.

(She thinks she's Harley Quinn, lol)

Biggest Scare of My Life

Ok, so tonight the girls wanted to visit another church. This church was "Clara's church" for a long time, and they have a "cool bus" that comes to pick the kids up and brings them home. They love it. They were so excited about going to church.

Today is Mary's birthday. She turns 11 years old. We celebrated with a strawberry shortcake, our favorite and homemade chicken and dumplings. She got a Roblox gift card which she was thrilled about. Then she did 2 hours of school and immediately jumped on Roblox when she was done. She was a happy girl. :) <3

Then it came time to get ready for church. Clara was happy to be going, she wanted to see her church family and friends and Kathryn was thrilled to go too. Mary was ok until she stepped outside and she sat down and looked at me and Mom, and said she didn't know why, but she was scared to get on the bus. She said she wanted to go to church, but she didn't want to get on the bus. When she got on the bus, she looked back at me and had a really nervous look on her face.

She sat down anyway, they waved bye as the bus pulled away down our hill and I went inside to start on school. Johnnie called and I talked to him, then I started school and about halfway through Mom comes in my room telling me to "stay calm, the kids are ok but"...I didn't hear anything coherently after that, I heard "bus...fire...kids..."

My heart stopped y'all. Three of my babies were on that bus. All of my girls. It's Mary's birthday. I barely remember snatching the keys, running out of the front door and taking off in the car. I sped past the police cars and flew up the hill behind our house to see the kids standing on the side of the road and the firefighters standing around the bus.

Clara saw me first, or maybe I saw her, I don't know. But she started walking toward me. Then I saw Mary, then Kathryn. Another bus was sitting beside me on the road. I don't even know which one of us got there first. The lady who talked to me when they got on the bus came to talk to me, but I didn't hear a word she said...I just kept asking if my kids were ok, even though I could see they were, I couldn't stop saying it. "Are they ok?" "Are they ok?"

Mary came and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Can I come home with you?" I of course told her to get in the car. But Clara and Kat wanted to go on the new bus. That one wasn't on fire, so I let them go.

I just kept hugging Mary when we got home.

Man, I couldn't even see straight y'all. I don't know how I drove that car to where they were. My mind was floating. That's the only way I can explain the feeling. Everything was blurry around me and my nerves felt like fire in my veins. I still haven't stopped shaking completely and it's been about an hour.

I would not handle something bad happening to my kids, y'all. I have always felt that way, and now I know for sure... If something happens to one of my babies, you might as well shoot me. Put me down. Cause I am not going to be any good to anyone anymore after that.

They are safe now. And they were safe then. God was holding my babies. Thank you, God! Thank you!

Whom Shall I Fear

Rough Few Weeks Here

Man, we have been going through it.

I'm not kidding.

We have been barely treading water.

I think the only thing I am sure of these days is my love for my children. Anything beyond that is sketchy to say the least.

Most days the stress levels are so high that I feel like I am tetering a fence that stands between uncertainty and defeat, and it sucks.

I live my life trying to make the right choices, even if that means the tough choices, so that I am doing what's right for my kids. Yet, it feels like I rarely get it right. I seem to always be pissing someone off with the choices and decisions that I make. Even if I am trying to be responsible and do what's right, it backfires.

 My kids are everything to me. I wish I could give them everything they need, most of what they want, and a little extra from time to time, but it seems like I am telling them "No" more than I am telling them "Yes" and they are tired of hearing it.

I'd give anything to be able to give them a home that was just ours and rooms of their own, knowing that we aren't going to lose it around the corner. I wish I could make the floor beneath their feet as stable as a rock and promise them that nothing would ever catch them by surprise or change for the worse ever again. I think that is the most basic need of every child, a strong foundation. Unfortunately, I made bad choices early on in life that continue to keep me ten steps behind in every step forward that I take.

It's like drowning, over and over again, and there's nothing to grab onto.

This is the underlying reason for most of my stress. Everyday I wake up in the same life, waiting, waiting for something to change for the better, waiting for the checks to get bigger, waiting for that second car so I can get a job and have that second income, waiting for us to be able to claim bankruptcy so that we can start fresh and begin to build our credit back up, waiting to be able to buy a house, waiting to be able to supply the most basic needs to our children consistently. Waiting...it seems like I am always waiting on life to start.

I woke up about a week ago and looked at Clara and Marian and realized that while we are waiting on the money to come in so that we can "get things right", we have let them grow up. They have lived most of their life that they will live with us, with nothing. Because they have been waiting too. They are waiting to be able to afford to go to the Skating Rink and waiting for me to be able to afford a babysitter for the babies so I can take them to the skating rink. They have been waiting to go to Six Flags because we are waiting to be able to afford it, waiting to be able to afford a babysitter because the babies can't ride anything. They have been waiting to have their own room and their own space, they have been waiting to have a place to go to for alone time, they have been waiting for a night at the movies or a Friday evening restaurant night, they have been waiting on that family vacation, they have been waiting through their lives.

And I'm sick of it.

I am sick of telling them no. I am tired of having to say "One day...". I am tired of telling them to wait a little longer.

And so Mommy has been on edge lately. And the kids are on edge because they are tired of waiting too. They are busting at the seams wanting their own space. They are suffering Cabin Fever and just want to get out of the same ole', same ole'. So we have all been at each other's throats it seems. Everyone is riddled with anxiety and boredom.

We need time to slow down and life to move forward. We need a house. We need to find our stability again and hold on to it for dear life. The kids need to finally have their home back. So that we can let our lives begin.