Rough Few Weeks Here

Man, we have been going through it.

I'm not kidding.

We have been barely treading water.

I think the only thing I am sure of these days is my love for my children. Anything beyond that is sketchy to say the least.

Most days the stress levels are so high that I feel like I am tetering a fence that stands between uncertainty and defeat, and it sucks.

I live my life trying to make the right choices, even if that means the tough choices, so that I am doing what's right for my kids. Yet, it feels like I rarely get it right. I seem to always be pissing someone off with the choices and decisions that I make. Even if I am trying to be responsible and do what's right, it backfires.

 My kids are everything to me. I wish I could give them everything they need, most of what they want, and a little extra from time to time, but it seems like I am telling them "No" more than I am telling them "Yes" and they are tired of hearing it.

I'd give anything to be able to give them a home that was just ours and rooms of their own, knowing that we aren't going to lose it around the corner. I wish I could make the floor beneath their feet as stable as a rock and promise them that nothing would ever catch them by surprise or change for the worse ever again. I think that is the most basic need of every child, a strong foundation. Unfortunately, I made bad choices early on in life that continue to keep me ten steps behind in every step forward that I take.

It's like drowning, over and over again, and there's nothing to grab onto.

This is the underlying reason for most of my stress. Everyday I wake up in the same life, waiting, waiting for something to change for the better, waiting for the checks to get bigger, waiting for that second car so I can get a job and have that second income, waiting for us to be able to claim bankruptcy so that we can start fresh and begin to build our credit back up, waiting to be able to buy a house, waiting to be able to supply the most basic needs to our children consistently. Waiting...it seems like I am always waiting on life to start.

I woke up about a week ago and looked at Clara and Marian and realized that while we are waiting on the money to come in so that we can "get things right", we have let them grow up. They have lived most of their life that they will live with us, with nothing. Because they have been waiting too. They are waiting to be able to afford to go to the Skating Rink and waiting for me to be able to afford a babysitter for the babies so I can take them to the skating rink. They have been waiting to go to Six Flags because we are waiting to be able to afford it, waiting to be able to afford a babysitter because the babies can't ride anything. They have been waiting to have their own room and their own space, they have been waiting to have a place to go to for alone time, they have been waiting for a night at the movies or a Friday evening restaurant night, they have been waiting on that family vacation, they have been waiting through their lives.

And I'm sick of it.

I am sick of telling them no. I am tired of having to say "One day...". I am tired of telling them to wait a little longer.

And so Mommy has been on edge lately. And the kids are on edge because they are tired of waiting too. They are busting at the seams wanting their own space. They are suffering Cabin Fever and just want to get out of the same ole', same ole'. So we have all been at each other's throats it seems. Everyone is riddled with anxiety and boredom.

We need time to slow down and life to move forward. We need a house. We need to find our stability again and hold on to it for dear life. The kids need to finally have their home back. So that we can let our lives begin.