Clara and Camp Courage 2016

We've been preparing for today for a long time...we started a year ago, the day we picked Clara up from her first time at Camp Courage. I told her that day that she'd be going back to camp every year from then on, I think she either didn't believe me or hoped that she could change my mind in a year's time. She went back to camp today.


I know to the outsider looking in, that sounds a bit heartless and even selfish, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am forcing her to go to camp because if I didn't, she would 1) never meet anyone else with a cleft, therefore never have anyone else to talk to that knows her struggle firsthand, and 2) she'd spend the entire summer in the house, out of the sun, in the dark livingroom, under her laptop playing Minecraft and losing herself in Youtube videos about Minecraft. I'm really not ok with that, especially since she's starting homeschool next year and will have very limited social interaction.


Her camp is amazing y'all! I'd love to go stay a week there myself. Heck, I'd have loved to go to camp when I was a kid too. I used to dream about camp, for the whole summer. She gets to swim, practice her archery, do arts and crafts, learn about Farming, kayak in the lake, play on the playground and have campfires, this year they even have horseback riding. Once she gets in there, she has a good time. She loves the activities. It's just hard for her to let go on the first day. This year they introduced something called Dimensions. She picked Farming, Mad Science, and Harry Potter. She's going to have a blast.


The cabins are really cool too. They're round, each kid gets a bed, a closet with a shelf and a drawer, and they each have access to a bathroom right across from their bunk. It's a lot better than the cabins in the movies, lol. They're even air conditioned. :)

Mary goes to the same camp in July when it will switch to Camp Acheaway for kids with JIA. She went with us today to get a peek and check things out before she goes. She's been nervous up until today, because she's never been away for a whole week, and definitely never been away in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people. But after seeing the camp today, and seeing Clara's cabin, she's a little less nervous and a bit more excited. I know she'll love it. They're her kind of people. Clara doesn't like how bubbly and friendly they are, she says they're too hyper. They're just like Mary, lol.


Clara made some friends last year that she really enjoyed being around. Hope, Rebecca, and Katie. There was another one, but I can't remember her name right now. Rebecca and Katie aren't in her cabin this year, but Hope is! :) I hope that they are still able to be friends and that Clara can make more new friends as well.

It's Going To Be a Great Summer!

Today I wasn't feeling myself when I woke up. I was sluggish and weak and definitely not feeling very motivated to move or even eat, much less put the effort into eating right. I turned off all of my alarms on my phone, (I have like 20 of them) and went back to sleep after waking up and saying "No." to the day. I did move to the living room though and then crashed on the couch.

Kat woke up about an hour later and wanted to eat. I don't know why she thinks she's entitled to three meals every single day, but she does. ;) So I made her breakfast and went to lay back down when I heard, "Moooooommmmyyy" coming from Aiden's room. Ugh...
I was a good Mommy though and didn't leave him calling, I got him up, changed his diaper and made his breakfast, that he picked out...he didn't want it, of course, so I ate his sausage and pancakes on a stick and made him french toast sticks...and laid back down. Kat was on her tablet and Aiden got on his phone, so we were good. The house was so dark that they thought it was still night time, lol

I laid there for about 20 minutes and could no longer justify not getting up. So I fought myself the entire time I was getting off the couch...the couch is soooo comfortable....but I made it upright and started packing Clara's suitcase for camp. She leaves Sunday afternoon. I realized I didn't have everything she's going to need, so I woke Johnnie up to keep the babies and I went to Wal-Mart to get the rest of her stuff.

I felt better after I got up and started moving, so when I got home, I took my vitamins and headed out for my walk. I only made it around once, but that's better than not at all. JS. I am ok with slacking a bit every now and then, especially if I'm not feeling 100%.

When I got home, it was time for lunch. Then I cleaned up a bit, threw in a load of laundry, and waited for the USAA appraiser guy to come look at the truck, (I was rear-ended about a month or so ago). He came and did his thing and handed me some paperwork saying what my estimate was and he left. By this time, it was time to lay Aiden down for nap and me and Johnnie took our washed clothes to our neighbor's house to dry them, (Thank You, Mark!). Our dryer broke. It got mad at us because we constantly have clothes washing and drying!

When the girls got home from school, we went to my Aunt's house to go swimming. (I love, love, love my Aunt's house! It's home and the smell of her house is Ah-Mazing!! I'd bottle it if I could. If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to do is beg to buy her house, lol) Anyway...we love going to her pool. The girls have fun swimming and I get to lay out and work on my freckled tan. :P


                              

Johnnie won't swim with us, so he keeps Aiden at home and me and the girls go for a few hours. I hope we get to spend a lot of time there this summer, then we'd surely have a great summer! It's good exercise for Clara and Mary too, especially since their arthritis is limiting their out of water exercise. It works to calm Kat down too. I guess because it wears her little tush out. :D 

Kids are now laying down and I just finished up my class assignments for the week. All I have left to do now is my midterm, which I am not looking forward to at all. A 3.5 hour test on Anatomy and Physiology, yay....fun times.

I am so ready for summer. I can not even begin to tell you how happy I am that we only have two days left of school. No more early days, no more fighting to get them to go to bed at a decent time. Just relaxation and 2 months of slacking. LOL

Mary's Bullies

As promised, I am writing in more detail about what's been going on with Marian at school. I will do my best to stay on track and not veer off too often, but I can't be certain that'll be the case the entire post. So just bear with me if you will. 

(It's the last week of school, Mary's teacher took this picture and shared it because she thought the shirt said it all)

All year Mary has had some sort of struggle going on. This is a big reason why I am putting her in therapy. I don't know how to handle it and me being Mom, she doesn't really listen to any advice I give her anyway. Because I'm just Mom, I don't know what I'm talking about, ya know?
She has struggled with her arthritis a lot. The pain, the losing function of her right wrist, not being able to walk part of the year, off and on and the bullying that came along with it. She's had a rough year.

Now, as I get into this, I want to first say that I am not one of those moms that believes their child plays no part in anything bad that happens to her. I do not claim innocence if there is none. She is perfectly capable of being a snotty little brat just like the rest of them, and she is...often. But when she is innocent, and innocence has been found through lots of long interrogation first, I will not sit idly by and allow her to suffer for something she had no part in.

My kids are held to a much higher standard than most other kids are these days. They don't get away with much at all. They have consequences and they get punished. They also hold a higher moral fiber than the general population of their peers. Not to say they are free and clear of their own issues, some that may in fact be similar to those of their peers, but put up against most, they'd come out on top in this area.

My kids are taught right from wrong, and they are held absolutely accountable when they do wrong. There's not just talk, a slap on the wrist and then me turning them loose. No. this Mommy doesn't work that way. I want to make sure that my kids will be better adults than what is prevalent in the masses today.
So I make sure they answer for any bad deeds done. Understand?

There are too many people (parents) out there now that will not make their kids be accountable. They don't want to expend the energy and they don't want their kids to be mad at them. Or they are afraid of "traumatizing" them beyond repair. SMH

What these parents are really doing, essentially, is raising future criminals, liars, cheaters, and entitled jerks. They are where the problem starts.

Then you have the parents who were bullies, remained bullies in adulthood and find it funny when their kid does the same thing. These are lowest of the low.

Mary has been picked on for her wheelchair use. I find this unacceptable and unbelievable. Making fun of the girl in the wheelchair, really? That says a lot about what they see and hear at home.
She has also been made fun of for her haircut. (She got lice, we couldn't get rid of it, so I shaved her head). My daughter is gorgeous. She took after her Daddy. The Romanian in her gives her big, exaggerated beautiful features and amazing golden skin. Her hair is super thick and dark and she is amazing! Even bald, my baby is awesome. JS

Now areas where she may really own part of this struggle would be in her attitude and I hate to say, her righteous demeanor. The child has a problem with holding others to a high standard like I do, and when they falter, again like me, she tells them so. I have had to learn the hard way not to do this to the general public. I do, however, still do this with my family.  I have no illusion about where she got it, believe me.
I don't know how to get her to stop it though. I can't stop it myself.
Her doing this pisses kids off as you could imagine. They don't want to be told when they are doing something wrong, especially by someone their age! Right? I get it, I really do. But that doesn't mean they get to bully her.
She has had trouble with some kids lying about things she has said in order to turn their friends against her. When all that had to be done was for the child to talk to me first about what was going on, and then for that child to ignore Mary and no longer be friends with her. Not going from classmate to classmate telling them lies or half truths about things Mary supposedly said about her and then not even putting the half truths into context (withholding the fact that Mary said it only after the little girl lashed out at Mary).

I have told Mary to ignore the little girl. If anyone asks what's going on to tell them she can not talk about it. Unless they ask specifically if she said anything hurtful about this child first. Then she can inform them that she did not, and leave it at that.

Look, I completely understand that kids will be brats and they are the cruelest beings on this planet at times, but it's still not an excuse for it to be allowed to go on, right?

Another thing I get, is that we don't always know what is true and what is untrue when it comes to things our kids tell us. Sometimes you only get half of the story. Sometimes you get an outright, "I don't want to get in trouble" version of the truth.
And we can't be there with them all the time to manage them and their behavior. The teachers can't either. So we are left with something in between. And kid's end up coming home crying, with hurt feelings.

What I will not allow to go on, and I will not even try to understand, is cyber bullying and continuing to keep it going even after you have been talked to about it from your parent, the child you're messing with and the teacher. That goes above and beyond, in my opinion.

Today, Mary says she had a good day. Yesterday was bad. Some of her "friends" believed that she had been a bad friend and said hurtful things to another little girl, and without talking to Mary about it, they shunned her the entire day. :(

I am so glad this year is almost up. We have decided to homeschool her afterall. She can't go through this another year and neither can I.

Not Alone - Red

What a Day!!

I have had one busy day!!

I have walked 2.5 times, 1 mile this morning, 1 mile this afternoon and half a mile this evening (with Johnnie on that last one!).

I have made absolutely sure to time my meals and snacks just so, landing each one two hours out from the last.

I've done floor workouts, twice, with random lunges and stretches here and there throughout the day.

I had an hour long conversation with the girls counselor, over the phone.

I rescheduled Marian's rheumatology appointment by three days, so she doesn't have to come home a day early from camp.

I sought out and found Johnnie a new PCP and then scheduled him an appointment to have his eye checked out. We think he has an infection.

I got this entire house cleaned from top to bottom...6 times.

I made these people dinner.

And then, school. Three lengthy discussions, two for one class, one for the other class, and one lab and one case study, all done for the night!

Now time for shrimp and crab and Netflix.

Tomorrow Kat has her assessment for Kindergarten and Clara has her post op in Atlanta. Please keep her in your thoughts tonight, that everything will look good and be healing exactly right. <3 Mary let me do some physical therapy on her wrist today. I could move her fingers and I could get some tiny little give in her wrist. I haven't even been able to barely brush against that wrist before today. I'm guessing that her medications are infact working for her. So we will continue to do this little bit of therapy and see how it goes. Our goal is to have some movement and give before her real PT starts, so they don't go in and hurt her. Today was a good day y'all! <3 :) :P (I'm really tired now, so I won't go into the whole drama of it, but mary is being bullied at school. It's horrible, it's awful and it's about to end! Thankfully! Homeschooling next year!!) I'll write in depth tomorrow. Night everybody!

Opinions Needed

I have had people tell me they are following us on here, so I know there are a few of you out there. :P

I have a question, if you would be ever so kind enough to answer in the comments for me, that would be fantastic!

My kids are off the chain, crazy, smart mouths lately. They are not being exactly great, in any kind of shape, form or fashion. They are rude, disrespectful, mean, hateful and spiteful of each and of us. I have learned over the years that spanking doesn't work. Time out only really works for the babies. So today, I reached my limit and told them "Laptops down, toys up, GET OUTSIDE!!"

They are acting like I am the worst mother in the world. They cannot believe they have to go outside... and PLAY! It's not like I forced them to do nothing but go outside and sit and be bored, they are still able to play. Worst punishment in the world, right?

So they come in for a drink, then a snack, then to tattle tale 5x in 2 minutes. I make them go back outside. I fix them a drink and a snack and take it to them. I'm still the worst parent ever. (They're very dramatic girls, btw).

So my question is, do you make your kids go outside to play on beautiful summer days? How do they react? Are the able to play outdoors and be fine with it? Has anyone ever had this experience, and how long did it take for them to get used to being outdoors and active?

Mary used to stay outside before the JA. The doctor tells me to keep her active, do not allow her to sit and be inactive or it will make it worse for her. So I know she can go play outside...it's safe for her. There is a wooden sing, a swing set, chairs on our porch, a standing metal swing with two seats...so I know they have places to sit and rest if they get tired.

Am I doing the right thing here?

They are outside, still fighting right now! How do you handle this? What should I do to get this fighting and arguing under control? I seriously need advice here.

Mommy Madness

First just some Mommy thoughts tonight: Not so much an update on the kids well being or overall health, just a ranting of a mother slowly losing her mind.

I know this will make me very unpopular, but it's how it is, I guess...

I find myself frustrated and getting ill with anything at all stressful lately. My children constantly bickering, talking back, being every bit of disrespectful, being argumentative, and just finding ways to annoy me, is getting under my skin. I am far from Mommy of the year, I rarely do it all "right", but it seems like the more I try lately, the more resistance I am getting from them, (and issues with Johnnie is not helping any with all of this).

I know that they have things they are going through also, and life is not easy for any of us at the moment, I understand that perfectly. But at some point, the attitude and the talking back can not be blamed on physical pains or ADHD. It can't be blamed on hormones or that time of the month. It's just outright, old-fashioned disrespect and rebellion.

I haven't watched enough episodes of Leave it to Beaver, Little House on the Prairie, or The Brady Bunch apparently. And the entire run of Roseann obviously wasn't enough to show me a sense of humor to all of this mess. Although, if memory serves correctly, the kids in the shows mentioned above wouldn't dare scream or yell at their parents. They surely wouldn't talk back and be physically rebellious by slamming doors or stomping out when being scolded. But if they did, they never showed how to handle that. (With the exception of Roseann. Darlene and Becky were brats!) But I don't have writers helping me see the humorous side to my kids being bratty and mean, unfortunately, cause I'd love to be able to pop off witty remarks right back at them, that made them stop in their tracks and rethink what they just said or did. I want to be that Mom!

I live in a house where spanking is frowned on and with a belt is out of the question. It's not allowed or I get in trouble like I am a child being bad as well, and in front of my children at that. Which causes me to be defiant and that just teaches them that Mommy has no power, deserves no respect and that Mommy does it too. So I am lost there as well.

I fail at being consistent. They can usually talk me into or out of stuff. They beg until I give in or they make life so unbearable for that moment that I give in just to get peace back in the house. I am a lot of the problem, I know this.

What I do not know however, is...How do I fix it? My anxiety levels are so bad, my temper isn't far behind that and my ability to handle stress is about nonexistent. I need a new plan here. Often times I second guess myself, asking if this is the battle I should pick or the one I should let go? Do I respond to the whining and the bickering, or do I let them fight it out and walk away? I am so scared that if I ignore it, they will be fighters in adulthood. But I fear that me yelling at them because they are arguing is also making them fighters now. It's so confusing. Whoever came up with parenting was out of their minds! LOL

I think that some (a lot) of our problem is being crammed into a house that isn't ours. None of us have our own space, there is rarely any separation and definitely nowhere to run when things get to be too much. If there is anything that I am sorry for in this life, it's failing my children by not providing them a better life. I am in school now and I will do everything in my power to make it through and find a career that will support my children and give them all of the things they have never had, like their own rooms to run to when they are at the end of their rope with each other. Or just things they would like to have like clothes that aren't hand me downs or shoes that fit.

I think, if I am truly honest with myself, that my children have been let down so much that their personalities have developed around the disappointments of their parents. Not an excuse by any means, just a theory of why.

They tend to blame their illnesses a lot and use them as a crutch. Mary doesn't want to help with chores because she's hurting, or she isn't feeling good. Kat says she doesn't listen or that she throws fits because of her ADHD. I am starting to learn when it's true and when it's an excuse to get out of trouble or out of doing something. These kids wish I was stupid, but I'm really not. ;)

Today has been a so-so day for us. I went to my Aunt's house this afternoon with my Mom, Mary and Kat. We got to visit with my aunt, my cousin, my second cousin (her son), and my Nanny. It was nice and it took my mind off of worrying about Clara for a little while. We came home and I cooked spaghetti. Clara's favorite dinner. I was good until we sat down to eat and Mary mentioned how weird it was for Clara's spot to be empty. There were tears, I'm not gonna lie. I am an emotional mess normally, throw something like this field trip in the mix and I'm just unstable. No joke. (Shut up, Jason)

So when dinner was over, I had to do something to take my mind off of her. I facebook stalked my neighbor for an hour, which lifted my spirits quite a bit, he's hilarious! Then I decided to clean out my truck. It needed it badly. The kids have piled toys, art supplies, random pieces of clothing, shoes, food trash, drinks, etc...all in the middle and back seats and floorboards. So I cleaned out, vacuumed, and then washed my truck. I came inside and Mary wanted to watch a movie with me, so we attempted to watch Nicholas Sparks' Nights in Rodanthe, one of my all time favorite movies. But Mary wasn't as in to this one, so she was on her phone checking facebook and then Johnnie and I got into an argument (which seems to happening a lot lately), so I just got up to do school assignments. I am determined to fix my life and in turn fix my kid's lives. I will use any and all hurt and anger to better my concentration for school. It's all I seem to have any control over these days.

(This is me a lot here lately. I am definitely drowning in stress and anxiety.)

(Things like this give me encouragement, lol, I need these kind of memes more often.)

Difficult Night Ahead

(Me and Clara August 24th, 2004)

I am so very, very tired. I'm talking deep, deep in my soul kind of tired. I have been such a nervous wreck lately. I feel like I am wrapped so tight that I can't breath. All of the worry and stress, the anxiety and panic, the grief and running around nonstop.

Kids, school, family, money, our uncertain future, are all things on my mind constantly. I am in a never-ending fight to figure it all out and get things in their right place, working and functioning properly. But I am without the proper tools to do so at the moment and it's driving me insane.

Worrying about my kids health and mental states, not knowing how I'm going to get the money for doctor's appointments, surgeries, etc...Unsure of what my next steps are, trouble keeping up with appointments, what needs to be done for each doctor, for each child, etc...It's overwhelming, and I feel like I need a personal assistant.

Now I am so worried about Clara, I don't know how I can even close my eyes and sleep tonight. Not knowing how she's doing, how her day has gone, if she's happy, healthy, warm, fed and full, not scared or lonely, or homesick even. I hate not knowing how she is doing. It's causing me really bad anxiety, which is just wearing me out more and making my mind even more of a jumbled up, chaotic mess.

Kathryn has had an exceptionally bad day for behavior. She has whined, fought, talked back, been defiant and disobedient, she has argued and just given me a run for my money.

Marian is hurting, badly. She has been irritable and mean. She's whining and giving us attitude anytime she has to do something, even if it's for herself, like taking a bath before school tomorrow. She's fighting me on taking her medications. She's tired of swallowing pills she says. She really struggles with getting some of them down. But she doesn't want the shots either. So it's a lose-lose.

She had fun on Field Day and at our Family Reunion, but she is more than paying for it now. She took the wheelchair to school today and will probably do so tomorrow as well.

Clara <3

Jekyll and a Thief

So we didn't sleep very well last night. Today Clara left for her field trip to Jekyll Island (Driftwood). I had anxiety attacks all night long. I woke up having them! So we got her to school this morning, after a very weepy hugging and going over the rules again, and how to stay safe.

Be aware at all times of your surroundings.

Kick, punch, bite, gouge the eyes, etc...if anyone tries to take you.

Stay with your class, a friend, a teacher, at all times. Etc...

It was very hard for me to let her go. My anxiety and panic filled my head with all of the worst case scenarios all night long. Kidnappings, falling into the ocean, or the swamp, getting eaten by alligators, being left somewhere, getting lost. You think of it, I imagined it.

But we still managed to get her to the school on time and get her all loaded up on the charter bus. I was so relieved to see two of her best friends there. To know they would be with her, riding the same bus (there were 2 buses), and even bunking together, I know they will watch out for her and they will all 3 stick together and look out for each other. Knowing they'd be with her did ease my mind a bit.

I'm not going to lie though, I am still a little nervous, a bit on edge. I will not feel right again until she's back home. I do hope she has an amazing time and I'm sure she is having a blast. She gets home just to turn right back around a week later to go to summer camp, lol. She said I'm trying to get rid of her, but truthfully, I just want to make sure she has great, memorable experiences that she wouldn't get by staying around here. And she made some awesome friends last year that are already e-mailing me asking if Clara will be at camp this summer. :)

So this morning, I e-mailed the lady behind CleftKids.org and the Cleft Care Packages, to ask about Clara's packages. She was sponsored for both of her summer surgeries and was supposed to receive two packages, one before each surgery. Her May 5th surgery came and went and she never did get her package. The lady said that she had sent it off on 4/27 and it said it was delivered to our front porch.

o.O

There's a trouble maker that lives on our street. She is mean, she is nasty to everyone, and she steals from our porches. She steals cigarettes, she steals toys, she steals miscellaneous things. She has not been allowed in our yard for some time because of how she has mistreated Clara and Marian. But around the time the package would have arrived, she and her friends were lurking around our yard/porch. I have no doubt in my mind that she took that box. And it's a real shame. It's a really low kind of person who can steal from someone, especially from a child going in to have surgery. I have no proof. But I will be watching closely from now on.

Thankfully, the lady was sympathetic to Clara's situation and is sending her another Cleft Care Package. She was the one who sponsored Clara to begin with. :( Hopefully this one will make it to us.



Here are the pictures of Clara ready to head out n her trip today. And her friends, Charley and Raygan. :) <3

                                       

                                      

Breaks My Heart

Clara asked us at dinner tonight why no one ever comes to see her or check on her after her surgeries. :( It makes my heart sad to know that she thinks no one loves her or thinks of her. I don't know what to tell her either. "Mommy and Daddy just aren't friends with people who think like that."? Or, "Your family reads about it on Facebook so they know you're doing ok and just can't take the time out of their busy schedules to drop by to see you face to face."?

Kids don't understand things like that. I hate this world that we live in now, where we can't afford the time or the gas to let people know we love them or that they matter. It's really heartbreaking.

Clara's Surgery

Clara's surgery went very well. Dr. Thomas ended up having to go ahead and take her two top front teeth, and a third tooth that was growing up into her palate. He said he will just build her smile himself. We are ok with that. :) We love, respect and trust Dr. Thomas wholeheartedly.

Update: My Aunt asked me some questions about her teeth and what was going to happen with them. I didn't realize I hadn't put that information in here. I was sooo tired, y'all.

So, Dr. Thomas is going to start by putting in temporary teeth by way of attaching them to her braces, then to her retainer and finally he will put in permanent teeth by screwing them into her upper jaw. This whole process will take anywhere from 2-3 years, I believe, from my own understanding.

We were 30 minutes late getting to Day Surgery, even though we got up early. We hit Atlanta work traffic and it took us over an hour to get there. They were calling us as we were coming off the elevator to sign in. I also forgot to bring her registration paper, but it was ok, they allowed us to sign in anyway, without having to do it all over again. (Cause Scottish Rite Rocks!)

We were only waiting for a little bit before they called us back to triage. Then we were in a room and within 25 minutes, they had her going back to surgery. She didn't even have a chance for the goofy juice to kick in. LOL

Me and Johnnie were starving, so we headed down to the Cafeteria to get breakfast. It was 10:00am. We got there, after a long walk, and they were closed until 11. Well, Dr. Thomas had said that the surgery would only take an hour and stressed that we should get back in the room asap. So we walked across the street to Northside Hospital but their cafe was closed too. They had a McDonald's though so we went there. :(

We got back in the room around 10:45 and ate our food. We were anticipating her to be back soon, but she ended up staying in surgery until about 11:35. She came in and she was awake and alert, in no pain or discomfort at all. It was an easy surgery for her, just as he said it would be.

We made sure she could handle liquids by mouth and she was discharged.

We've been home now for a while and she is in no pain at all. I gave her tylenol as a preventive measure anyway though. Better safe than sorry.

I'm very proud of her and how she handled herself today. She was very brave and never once worried or afraid. She was just like, "Let's get this going already." LOL

And now she's just worried about when she can eat solid food. :P

I am exhausted, so now we are going to watch a movie in bed with Clara. Goodnight Y'all :)