Difficult Night Ahead

(Me and Clara August 24th, 2004)

I am so very, very tired. I'm talking deep, deep in my soul kind of tired. I have been such a nervous wreck lately. I feel like I am wrapped so tight that I can't breath. All of the worry and stress, the anxiety and panic, the grief and running around nonstop.

Kids, school, family, money, our uncertain future, are all things on my mind constantly. I am in a never-ending fight to figure it all out and get things in their right place, working and functioning properly. But I am without the proper tools to do so at the moment and it's driving me insane.

Worrying about my kids health and mental states, not knowing how I'm going to get the money for doctor's appointments, surgeries, etc...Unsure of what my next steps are, trouble keeping up with appointments, what needs to be done for each doctor, for each child, etc...It's overwhelming, and I feel like I need a personal assistant.

Now I am so worried about Clara, I don't know how I can even close my eyes and sleep tonight. Not knowing how she's doing, how her day has gone, if she's happy, healthy, warm, fed and full, not scared or lonely, or homesick even. I hate not knowing how she is doing. It's causing me really bad anxiety, which is just wearing me out more and making my mind even more of a jumbled up, chaotic mess.

Kathryn has had an exceptionally bad day for behavior. She has whined, fought, talked back, been defiant and disobedient, she has argued and just given me a run for my money.

Marian is hurting, badly. She has been irritable and mean. She's whining and giving us attitude anytime she has to do something, even if it's for herself, like taking a bath before school tomorrow. She's fighting me on taking her medications. She's tired of swallowing pills she says. She really struggles with getting some of them down. But she doesn't want the shots either. So it's a lose-lose.

She had fun on Field Day and at our Family Reunion, but she is more than paying for it now. She took the wheelchair to school today and will probably do so tomorrow as well.

Clara <3