Mommy Madness

First just some Mommy thoughts tonight: Not so much an update on the kids well being or overall health, just a ranting of a mother slowly losing her mind.

I know this will make me very unpopular, but it's how it is, I guess...

I find myself frustrated and getting ill with anything at all stressful lately. My children constantly bickering, talking back, being every bit of disrespectful, being argumentative, and just finding ways to annoy me, is getting under my skin. I am far from Mommy of the year, I rarely do it all "right", but it seems like the more I try lately, the more resistance I am getting from them, (and issues with Johnnie is not helping any with all of this).

I know that they have things they are going through also, and life is not easy for any of us at the moment, I understand that perfectly. But at some point, the attitude and the talking back can not be blamed on physical pains or ADHD. It can't be blamed on hormones or that time of the month. It's just outright, old-fashioned disrespect and rebellion.

I haven't watched enough episodes of Leave it to Beaver, Little House on the Prairie, or The Brady Bunch apparently. And the entire run of Roseann obviously wasn't enough to show me a sense of humor to all of this mess. Although, if memory serves correctly, the kids in the shows mentioned above wouldn't dare scream or yell at their parents. They surely wouldn't talk back and be physically rebellious by slamming doors or stomping out when being scolded. But if they did, they never showed how to handle that. (With the exception of Roseann. Darlene and Becky were brats!) But I don't have writers helping me see the humorous side to my kids being bratty and mean, unfortunately, cause I'd love to be able to pop off witty remarks right back at them, that made them stop in their tracks and rethink what they just said or did. I want to be that Mom!

I live in a house where spanking is frowned on and with a belt is out of the question. It's not allowed or I get in trouble like I am a child being bad as well, and in front of my children at that. Which causes me to be defiant and that just teaches them that Mommy has no power, deserves no respect and that Mommy does it too. So I am lost there as well.

I fail at being consistent. They can usually talk me into or out of stuff. They beg until I give in or they make life so unbearable for that moment that I give in just to get peace back in the house. I am a lot of the problem, I know this.

What I do not know however, is...How do I fix it? My anxiety levels are so bad, my temper isn't far behind that and my ability to handle stress is about nonexistent. I need a new plan here. Often times I second guess myself, asking if this is the battle I should pick or the one I should let go? Do I respond to the whining and the bickering, or do I let them fight it out and walk away? I am so scared that if I ignore it, they will be fighters in adulthood. But I fear that me yelling at them because they are arguing is also making them fighters now. It's so confusing. Whoever came up with parenting was out of their minds! LOL

I think that some (a lot) of our problem is being crammed into a house that isn't ours. None of us have our own space, there is rarely any separation and definitely nowhere to run when things get to be too much. If there is anything that I am sorry for in this life, it's failing my children by not providing them a better life. I am in school now and I will do everything in my power to make it through and find a career that will support my children and give them all of the things they have never had, like their own rooms to run to when they are at the end of their rope with each other. Or just things they would like to have like clothes that aren't hand me downs or shoes that fit.

I think, if I am truly honest with myself, that my children have been let down so much that their personalities have developed around the disappointments of their parents. Not an excuse by any means, just a theory of why.

They tend to blame their illnesses a lot and use them as a crutch. Mary doesn't want to help with chores because she's hurting, or she isn't feeling good. Kat says she doesn't listen or that she throws fits because of her ADHD. I am starting to learn when it's true and when it's an excuse to get out of trouble or out of doing something. These kids wish I was stupid, but I'm really not. ;)

Today has been a so-so day for us. I went to my Aunt's house this afternoon with my Mom, Mary and Kat. We got to visit with my aunt, my cousin, my second cousin (her son), and my Nanny. It was nice and it took my mind off of worrying about Clara for a little while. We came home and I cooked spaghetti. Clara's favorite dinner. I was good until we sat down to eat and Mary mentioned how weird it was for Clara's spot to be empty. There were tears, I'm not gonna lie. I am an emotional mess normally, throw something like this field trip in the mix and I'm just unstable. No joke. (Shut up, Jason)

So when dinner was over, I had to do something to take my mind off of her. I facebook stalked my neighbor for an hour, which lifted my spirits quite a bit, he's hilarious! Then I decided to clean out my truck. It needed it badly. The kids have piled toys, art supplies, random pieces of clothing, shoes, food trash, drinks, etc...all in the middle and back seats and floorboards. So I cleaned out, vacuumed, and then washed my truck. I came inside and Mary wanted to watch a movie with me, so we attempted to watch Nicholas Sparks' Nights in Rodanthe, one of my all time favorite movies. But Mary wasn't as in to this one, so she was on her phone checking facebook and then Johnnie and I got into an argument (which seems to happening a lot lately), so I just got up to do school assignments. I am determined to fix my life and in turn fix my kid's lives. I will use any and all hurt and anger to better my concentration for school. It's all I seem to have any control over these days.

(This is me a lot here lately. I am definitely drowning in stress and anxiety.)

(Things like this give me encouragement, lol, I need these kind of memes more often.)