Clara was born with hearing problems. She heard for the first few months like she was under water. They did the tubes in her ears a few times and then gave us the all clear. We had no idea that we needed to be having her ears checked periodically. And maybe that's our fault, but as parents who had never had to deal with anything like that up until that point, we should probably have been told to continue with a yearly checkup.
But that won't help now. So from here we move forward. As her mother, I am struggling with this internally. My heart is broken for her. She came into this life with nothing but struggles and hurdles to jump over. For it to just continue is so unfair. At least I feel it is. I know the Sunday school answer that it's for a reason, it's all part of the plan, etc, etc, yadda, yadda, yadda..but it's not easy to just accept something like this.
Will she be completely deaf eventually?
Will she hear the voice of her future child?
Can she drive if she's deaf?
What other limitations will be put on her?
What if she's somewhere that she needs to hear to remain safe? And she cant.
Will it spread to her left ear? Can it? Is that even a possibility?
All of these questions just running through my mind. My beautiful little girl. My smart, gifted, talented child who has her whole life ahead of her and she is going deaf in her right ear. I know, it is small potatoes against some people's struggles, right? I know it's not a death sentence, it's not cancer or worse. But it's still devastating.
Everyone told me that I should be thankful for Mary's arthritis being "just arthritis" and now my baby is losing total function of her right hand. Her hand is becoming like that of a stroke victims. Like my Mawmaw after her stroke, when she couldn't use her hand. (What a difficult memory)
I'm sure I will hear this about Clara's hearing as well. But to me, to us, it's a huge deal. It's another handicap that could limit her. So it's scary.
They are going to make her wear a hearing aid. (Which I'm already sure will be turned off or turned down most of the time) :P
Clara already has such a low self esteem. She does not understand her worth. She doesn't see her beauty or her intelligence, or how wonderful she is. All she sees is a distorted version of who she truly is. I don't know how to change that for her. And I'm terrified of how this change will impact her view of herself.
I am trying so hard not to breakdown over this. (My emotions bother Clara) That's why I didn't write this until now. I needed to try to process the new information. And while I still feel the lump in my throat, and it has been difficult to type this out, I think I have been handling it fairly well..for me. I haven't broken down, I haven't freaked out. I am actually able to hold it all in, which is new for me.
She has surgery in two weeks, on June 27th. Please pray things go smoothly for her. She needs an easy one, she needs a break.
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