My youngest daughter is a wonderful, beautiful, impressive, intelligent little person. But after dark she's a crying, screaming, fear-riddled demon spawn. Her skin gets pasty white and flush, she has beads of sweat pouring down her scary, twisted, contorted little face, as she's seeing things only she can see, while screaming or crying uncontrollably, not wanting to be touched but wanting me to be in the room to witness her hysterics. This usually happens off and on from 1-4am.
Aiden has started having trouble sleeping too. He's been waking up a few times a night as well. And while I am super thankful that they aren't having fits at the same time, it still keeps me up through most of the night in intervals, going from one child to the next. So right now, I am caught somewhere in between wanting to sleep and not being able to due to Aiden still being awake or because my mind as tired as it is, cannot rest. I have anxiety pretty badly. Anyone who has this horrible, sometimes crippling mindfreak issue should understand what I'm talking about when I say, I am a crazy woman most of the time. A crazy woman who thinks of everything that could and most likely will go wrong. I think of how to stop things that haven't even happened yet. I plan how to make things work in my life, or how to better my kids lives, things we need, things they have said they want, chores the next day, chores that got done or left that day, my car needing to be cleaned out and Johnnie needing a car of his own that doesn't drink gas like water. I think of all of the health issues and problems, doctor's appointments that I need to make, ones that are coming up, others that got forgotten and we never made it to that now need to be rescheduled, again. Who is on what medicines, did they take them today? Did they brush their teeth, their hair, did they bathe? Deodorant? Did they clean up the bathroom afterwards? We need groceries. Mary's lost two teeth this past week and the tooth fairy didn't come, she must not work weekends, especially weekends when Mommy is super tired. She's very considerate to not wake me up. And this all happens at once... usually as soon as my head hits the pillow. (I'm delirious, so I hope all of that made sense, lol)
Lots of stuff always going on and happening up there in my wonky brain, but you probably wouldn't know it by the zombied look on my face most days. :P I picked Kat up from school this afternoon and she was on edge. She went to school with a new headband this morning and didn't have it on this afternoon. So when I asked her where it was, she broke down crying and became hysterical very quickly. I knew right then that she had had a long day and that she was very much over stimulated. The progression only took off from there as she continued the fits and they sensitivity until she finally passed out for the night a few minutes ago. So after I picked Kat up from school, I had to drive to the next town to pick Clara up from school. She had her first day of face to face classes with her teachers and fellow students. She enjoyed it enough to want to go back Thursday, but she said it dragged out and was so super slow. She said she stayed on the computer, not really talking to anyone. Big surprise there, right?! LOL She did say that she likes all of her teachers (even though she cannot understand one of them when they speak), she says they are all nice and fun, but she especially loves her Spanish teacher. :) Her Spanish teacher is the reason she wants to return on Thursday. I pray she loosens up and makes new friends this year. She has to stop being so afraid to talk to people.
Aiden is in bed watching tv now, the girls are in the livingroom on their laptops, and I am getting ready to lay down. I hope I get to sleep tonight. If not, I might not make it tomorrow.
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