I Feel a Breakdown Coming On

The Enbrel has arrived.

Last night we were all sitting in the livingroom, minus Marian, who was in our room talking to Cameron. We look at the monitor and see that UPS has pulled up and Mom is calling through the door that they're here. The guy delivers the cooler and Johnnie brings it inside. My heart immediately fell to my feet and my stomach turned a little. The dreaded shots were here..finally. *eyeroll*

We have not been looking forward to this, not even a little. Mary is dreading the pain and anxiety of the shot, I am dreading administering the shot, and we are all on edge a bit about what the shot will bring as far as Mary's health goes. And here's why:

1. It wipes out her immune system, completely. She will be open to infections, colds, flus, etc. And there is NOTHING that we can do to stop it.
    
2.  It's painful. The medicine burns. The needle is large. We are all used to baby pediatric needles and butterfly needles...not this piercing needle.
3. The side effects are not something to play with or take lightly. Cancer?! IBD?! Crohn's Disease? Serious Headaches? Bad Fatigue?
   
   Really?
   
   I feel like I am just barely teetering on the edge of insanity, y'all. I mean, do I have vials of cancer sitting in my fridge right now just waiting for me to inject them into my daughter? Am I going to be the one to inject my child with the medication that will eventually take her from me? What the heck? This should NEVER have even been a worry that we had to face!! I am so angry! Frustrated! Terrified! Helpless. What is the right decision here? Give it to her and help her with her JA and face the consequences if they come up, or refuse it and allow Mary to be crippled completely by the time she's 18?
   
   Last night and this morning her legs were hurting her and they were weak. She fell this morning while I was walking Kat up to the bus stop and hit her head because her legs gave out. I didn't have the wheelchair though because I forgot it in the back of Johnnie's truck that he had at work. So she had to go to school without it, just hoping she would be able to stay standing all day.
   
   Right now, it just feels like we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. I don't like our options here. IT'S NOT FAIR!!
   
   Mary is kind, she is smart, she is helpful, she is loving, she is a wonderful Christian and warrior for God, she is funny and considerate (most of the time), and she is a CHILD! She doesn't deserve to have to face this. At least, I don't feel that she does.
   
   I know that there is a reason. God has a plan for her life. I really do have Faith in Him and what He is doing. But that doesn't mean that my emotions are not all over the place about it right now. Because right now, I can't see His plan, I cannot know what her path is and why.
   
   I know that this could be worse, she could actually have cancer already, she could already be fighting for her life as so many other babies (grown or not) are out there right now. But it's just as scary to know that because of this, she could end up there...fighting not to walk, but to live.
   
   Mary is everything to me, as are all of my babies. She is the one who loves to watch Hallmark movies with me, and sing and dance and act stupid silly with me in the car. She's the one who loves me to no end, even when I am unlovable. She laughs with me and cries with me. She hugs my neck and kisses my cheek and allows me to do the same. Mary is my baby that stands by me and stands up for me, even if she knows I'm wrong. LOL I love all of my children the same, please do not think I hold favor in any one of them, because I don't. They are all wonderful and beautiful and I would die for any of them. Me and Mary just see eye to eye on a lot of things and I cannot imagine something bad happening to her that I cannot control or fix for her.
   
   I'm scared. I am truly, truly terrified.
   
   The nurse will be here 12/09/2016 to help me give her the first shot that could eventually lead to something horrible. Y'all, I haven't even given her the shot yet and I am already having trouble with this. Please, please, please, please keep us in your prayers. Please pray for no bad side effects, for a steady hand while giving her the shot, and for peace and calming for both of us before and after the shot has been given. 

The needles are the smallest they have, says the Nurse.

These are the extra syringes.

The dreaded cooler that it was all delivered in. "Cooler from Hell"

The medicine. *shudders*

Occupational Therapy Eval

(Marian waiting to go back to meet her therapist)

(Mary asleep in the car after an hour of therapy)

Marian had her initial evaluation with her OT (Occupational Therapist) this morning. I'm listening to ASMR videos on YouTube as I write this and it's very difficult to concentrate, lol.

So we had originally thought that Mary's right wrist was locked up, possibly permanently. This morning, during therapy, we were told that her wrist may not be locked at the bone, but instead it may just be that the muscle became to badly weakened and allowed her wrist to dislocate and grow that way. So in other words, with therapy, she may be able to get it back into the correct position and retrain her wrist to function normally again.

Great News!! I was terrified that she was never going to have a chance at regaining the use of her wrist, but now we at least have hope. :)

Mary will have a total of 8 therapy visits with Decatur Hand and Physical Therapy, after that we will be maintaining the therapy at home. The OT also mentioned that she would like to see Mary out of the wheelchair and instead using a walker that has a seat for resting when she needs it. She is afraid that her legs will do what her wrist did if she continues to stay off of them for 8 hours a day. SO now we ask Dr. B about a walker.

The therapist was amazing. She was soft spoken and very gentle. She was understanding and didn't push Mary if Mary couldn't do something. She gently worked her wrist into moving, which was great, we were scared she was going to push her too far too fast. She worked with her and even though it did hurt Marian, she didn't stop the therapy, she just told her it was hurting and the therapist would stop. But she was also able to move her wrist way more today than I have seen her move it in more than a year. Big, BIG steps forward today. I cannot wait to see where she is after 8 sessions.

The OT is recommending physical therapy for Mary's hips, ankles, legs and back as well. So we will see how that goes. The school mentioned bringing in a PT soon too, so hopefully that will happen sometime after holiday break. It would be wonderful to see her using her wrist and walking more than she's sitting. :)

She had a good day today. She wanted to go to school after therapy, so we raced to Stockbridge from Decatur and got her there just in time. After school, we went to pick up Cameron, when we got home they played for a few hours outside. I love that she gets outside and gets her exercise in when he's here. I am so thankful for this kid. :) <3

And You Get Scoliosis Too!

We started the day scrambling to get everyone up and ready to get out the door in just 15 minutes. I haven't been sleeping well, my sleep is interrupted time and time again all night long, so I am averaging about 3.5-4 hours of sleep a night, interrupted. So when the alarm went off at 6am, I reset it for 6:15am. Which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but this morning, we had to all be up, dressed, fed and out the door by 6:30am. It didn't quite work out that way. I was up, hollering through the house for everyone to wake up, while pulling my clothes on and pulling breakfast biscuits out of the fridge...reading directions to cook them and making sure everyone was getting up, while brushing my hair, hollering some more cause no one was responding, hopping over to my flip flops, and then putting biscuit after biscuit in the microwave. Then I headed out to warm up the car. Thank goodness I made our on the go lunches last night.

We managed to have everyone up by 6:25am, although grouchy and ill cause they were hollered awake, but they were up and getting ready anyway. Kat was crying and having a mental breakdown because she didn't want to be up and then because she wanted a biscuit too (She eats breakfast at school).

So I get everyone out the door. Aiden's cup, diapers, rash cream, blankie, etc all ready to go and we are all splitting up going in two different directions, half of us are moving toward the car, and half of us are going up the hill to take Kat to the bus stop. I had to turn around and have Clara take Kat up cause I forgot something. I had to ask our neighbor, Melissa, to get Kat on the bus for me because we were about 20 minutes behind for a long, chaotic ride on I-285. (Ewwww, Spaghetti Junction)

We got about halfway to the exit of our neighborhood and I remembered our lunch that was left sitting on the kitchen table. Ugh...we had to turn around. We pulled back in the driveway just in time to see Kat getting on the school bus. SMH

So we finally get to I-285 just to reach stop and go, bumper to bumper traffic for the ENTIRE ride to Scottish Rite...we were 10 minutes late.

We had Clara's ENT appointment first. We signed in and they shoved her into a giant metal, sound proofed box and clamped plugs onto her ears. We sat there for 30 minutes as Clara repeated words spoken to her and as she pushed a button to tell when she heard a beep. Then she was given two different computerized hearing tests. Her tests said she barely passed, which as they explained means she failed. o.O

Her hearing is below average in both ears. This is her 4th test, third one failed. First one failed for both ears. So they scheduled a follow-up test for one month from now. Because of the sporadic ringing in her ears and the dizziness, with the hearing loss fluctuation, they believe she has Meniere's Disease like Mom and Johnnie.

Meniere's disease is a horrible, crippling disease to have as an adult. To have it at 12 years old is kinda (a lot) crappy. Van Gogh had Meniere's and they believe that may be what drove him crazy and led to him cutting off his ear. So they are thinking that on the next ENT appointment, they will be fitting her for hearing aids for both ears. :(

After the ENT appointment, we had 2 hours until Mary's appointment across the street. So I took Clara upstairs to her Craniofacial Clinic to see her Orthodontist about the appliance in her mouth. The appliance had been in for a long time and it was starting to hurt her cheek. So Dr. Granger took it out and took a mold of her mouth to make her a retainer. She is thrilled! The first thing she said was "Gum!" "Taffy!" LOL

 

Marian had an appointment with Dr. Pollard, her eye doctor. She had some trouble with her left eye recently and because of the JA being tied to some kids going blind, her Pediatrician made the appointment for Mary. Dr. Pollard did the exam and gave her a clean bill of health for her eyeballs. ;)
He also told us that most of the JA kids who have multiple joints affected usually do not have the eye problems that those with only one or two joints affected have. That was a relief to hear. Of course he says it's medicine, nothing is 100%, but he's betting she will be ok.

After Mary's eye appointment, we headed home. We were there for a few minutes before me and Clara headed back out to CHOA (Hudson Bridge) for x-rays of her spine. Her back has been hurting again recently, so we needed updated films. Sure enough, she has had a 5 degree progression in the top of her spine. Her curvature is at a 13 where it had only been at an eight, 6 months ago. The bottom curvature is a 9.

Mary's curvature is a 10 at the top and a 15 at the bottom.

Crazy isn't it? Both girls have scoliosis. That has got to be some serious Momma-karma coming back on my babies. What are the odds of both of them having it? I mean really..

So now Mary has Scoliosis clinic coming up next week I believe, and we are waiting to hear from them to schedule Clara's clinic date with them. SMH *sigh*

Aiden's Birthday Weekend

Well, another weekend has come and gone. This has been a super busy past few days for us. It feels so nice to wind down, listen to some music and write. 

We picked Cameron up on Thursday instead of Friday this weekend. He and Mary stayed at his Mom's house that first night and then we all stayed there the next night after doctor's appointments and grocery shopping. I got up Saturday morning and we immediately started running around to get Aiden's birthday stuff ready for today. We went to Walmart, where we had a run in with a miserable soul and then went inside to spend way too much money. :/ But it wasn't a totally bad day, we enjoyed the kids, they were pretty good yesterday. We even watched a movie together last night...until I remembered that I had to finish up my school week.

Having 5 kids in your care, whether you are running around or not, is exhausting. The constant chatter, bickering back and forth, hearing all of the "I want that" and the "Mommy, can we", even when no one is asking for something or having breakdowns, just being around 5 kids nonstop gets so tiring. I do not know how people have these huge families and aren't run down all of the time.

Yesterday, Cameron talked Mary into riding her bike with him. She was able to ride for a long while but she ended up paying for it afterward. She was in some pain and her body kept forcing her to sleep, but I don't think she cared. She was happy that she got to ride and have fun. When she went to take a bath last night, we snuck out and to let Cameron buy her some orange flowers and a beautiful anniversary card for their one month anniversary. The card he picked was so sweet and it made her night. She was asleep when we got home, he woke her up with the flowers and then gave her the card. The smile that crossed her face as she read it was priceless. <3

Today we went to pick up 2 of Mary's friends and that made for 7 kids. Holy Lord! I am so glad that I am done at 4, LOL. I just couldn't do it... no way, no how. I bow to all mother's who have more than 4 kids and can still form a coherent sentence.

Aiden's birthday was great! He had a good turn out and got lots of love and attention. He also made out pretty well on gifts. ;) His room looks like a toy store exploded in it. But he's happy and that's all that matters. :) <3


***Friday, Johnnie went for a job interview with General Mills. We are praying that he gets this job. It would be a huge pay raise, we would not have to worry about money again. If you are reading this and you don't mind, please pray that he passed this test and that he gets called back for the job. This would turn everything around for us in such a big way. 

Sick Day?

Y'all, you're about to get a glimpse into how my mind works, how it moves me from one thing to another, allllll day long. LOL

So today we may be dealing with sick babes. Headaches and tummy aches, sore throats and fevers, Oh My! Hopefully we will have a resting day, but I doubt that Aiden will go for that. :P I don't know how the girls will be feeling when they wake up but right now Kat seems to be doing ok. She's behind me on our bed whispering to herself the same thing over and over again, as she often does.

She has energy, so maybe it was a fluke thing or I just need to keep an eye on her to see how she progresses throughout the day?

Kat woke up late last night running a fever. Mary went to bed with her eye hurting, her back hurting, her head hurting and her tummy and throat hurting as well. Lately when her back hurts, her fingers and legs go numb too. She doesn't like that feeling at all and has started having small panic attacks because of it. :(

Aiden's birthday party (he's turning 3!) is this Sunday and it looks like no one is coming. :( We will make the best of it, like we always do, it just bites. I hate it for him. He's really excited about his Batman birthday party. He reminds us about it everyday. <3 "My birfdays coming up."

I rescheduled most of this week's appointments but left mine so I can go see my doctor, and I left the appointment with the kid's therapist because he does so much good for our family. I had to leave the girls (Mary and Kat) 504 meeting for school because that keeps getting messed up and we end up rescheduling (Me or the Principal). So that has to be done now. I think all that fell away was their eye appointment (glasses not eye health) and Mary's MRI, which I know the MRI is important but I didn't have the gas to get up there, a babysitter for Aiden and I was a little worried about driving up in that area (Egleston) at 4pm. I know I have to do it though. I rescheduled it for December 2nd at 4pm. I guess they only do late appointments for new patients? I don't know.

Let's see, what else? I think I may have gotten all of my calls done yesterday, so today I just might have a phone free day!! Yay! That's a plus for the day. :)

I got a letter in the mail saying that Mary has had too many unexcused absences. They tried pulling this with Kathryn too. The days that they have marked as unexcused, I sent excuses in and I ALWAYS ask the girls to make sure they handed them in. Some, I hand deliver myself. Those are marked as unexcused too. The ladies in the front office can't stand me because I don't let them railroad me or my kids and because they think I am just a lazy, irresponsible parent. Of course I can't say she knowingly didn't enter the excuses in to the system, but I have my suspicions. I did hand deliver some of these excuses myself and yet somehow they aren't there...? Odd.

So I have to write new excuses and call doctors to get them to fax new excuses too. That will be tomorrow, or if I'm feeling like it, later today.

I have to go into the dreaded "out there" (Out of my room) and cook breakfast and clean up the kitchen-again. But I really don't want to go out there and clean up the kitchen, I don't want to cook breakfast. I will though because my kids have to eat and they can't live in filth and clutter. But what I really want to do is wash my blankie, then cuddle up with my warm, fresh-from-the-dryer blankie, and watch Hallmark movies all day long. Or watch Christian videos on Youtube. :)

(Daddy tells me this all the time.) :P

Troubled Times

Our lives have been so hectic and crazy lately. I feel like my brain is on constant overload and I am terrified of forgetting something important. I am on the phone most days for hours trying to schedule or reschedule appointments, talking to caseworkers and adjudicators, refilling prescriptions or fighting for refills because people are lazy and don't want to do their job.

I am talking to teachers and school administrators, trying to get forms filled out and sent back on time to wherever it is that they have to go. I'm trying to get x-rays and MRIs done. I just had to cancel Marian's MRI because I can't drive up there at the time that they set her appointment. Not to mention that I need a babysitter and those are like mythological creatures around here.

I have more appointments this week that I have to reschedule because we don't have the gas money for me to get us to them. It's just always something.

I'm trying to get this hospital bed and power chair and lift for the power chair. I don't have the money that we need to pay all of the fees to have them delivered and installed and such. My poor baby was up all night last night crying because her back was hurting her so badly and she couldn't get comfortable anywhere, even in her recliner. I think it's because her recliner broke and now it doesn't really sit right. I don't know, I could be completely off and she's just going to hurt anywhere, who knows anymore?

Man, my mind is just swimming. Too much information!! Too much to remember, too much to organize and schedule and plan...UGH! Not to mention the mental anguish of not being able to help her.

I can't give her pain medicine because of her Meloxicam and Leflunomide. So she just has to hurt through it, which makes it worse on her and me. Her because she's in pain and me because I can't take watching her be in pain and I'm helpless, I can't fix it for her.

She came to me last night and her left eye was hurting her. The same eye that was just hurting her because of a bump being inside of her bottom lid. She did antibiotics for that but now this morning, it's swollen and red and causing her more pain. Guess what that means? Another doctor's appointment! OMG! Another day that I need a babysitter for Aiden because he is off the chain, crazy wild, and I can't handle him for the hours long wait in our Pediatrician's office.

My heart has started hurting recently, these sharp electric like shocks of pain just radiating through it. I'm getting dizzy spells, feeling like I'm going to faint and have to fight it off just to stay conscious. My speech slurs like I'm drunk and it takes a concentrated effort to put together a sentence because my brain is trying to trail off. IT'S STRESS! I know it is. Doesn't mean it's not still scary, but it is from all of this crap that is always sitting on my chest. I need a break. My kids need a break.

I feel like I need to format my hard drive. My memory is full and my desktop is too cluttered.

I have gained an unreasonable amount of weight this year, my eyebrows make me look like Bert (or Ernie), I need new clothes cause mine all have holes in them, making me look more homeless than I actually am, my hair is all too often disheveled and unkempt, and my smile has run away. I am a sad, sad creature right now, y'all. Please keep me and my family in your prayers..we need them so badly. 

Normally I wouldn't post such a raw, unedited, unposed picture of myself (I just took this photo and posted it). But this is me nowadays, for better or for worse. Thank God Johnnie is understanding and loves me anyway. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't here beside me through all of this. He is my rock, my strength, my light at the end of the tunnel. God knew exactly what he was doing when he put us in each other's path. I truly believe that with my whole heart. He knew just how much I would need to lean on Johnnie and how much I would need his strength and love. And how no one else could fulfill that need like Johnnie has. I love this man beyond words and explanations. <3

I put these pictures up just to show a difference by comparison. This bottom photo was taken after Aiden was born three years ago, before we had any clue what was about to happen to Marian and how all of our lives would be turned upside down. I think that I have aged 20 years in the past 3 years. The top photo was taken a few weeks ago. Aye Yai Yai

I Need A Miracle

Cry Out To Jesus

Dealing With People

Dealing with the public has never been my strong suit. I have social anxiety, panic disorder and I just don't generally agree with people because the majority of people lack common sense, compassion for others, and are just very self-absorbed. And I cannot fake happy. I also cannot control my facial expressions very well, when I try to I usually end up with a blank stare or zombified look. Not pretty.

One thing I really cannot take is when I know that I have a valid issue to discuss and have corrected, and someone "Customer Services" me. Ohhhh, this irritates me to no end!! And it is done, often, by one person in particular.

Another thing that gets under my skin is when someone patronizes me, thinking I am an idiot because they don't know me. Again, happens all too often.

I think by now, anyone who has been reading this blog knows that I am not lacking in intelligence. I may be an emotional mess, I may have a loud mouth, but stupid? Nah, that's not me.

So why then do these people continue to treat me as if I am brain dead? o.O

I am so sick of people acting like Mary is just trying to get attention or that she's lazy or pretending to be sick and in need of her wheelchair! My baby goes through a lot. Her body isn't a typical healthy 11 year old's body. SHE IS SICK!! Dang, I wish people would realize this.

IT'S NOT "JUST" ARTHRITIS! IT'S JUVENILE ARTHRITIS. Which is an autoimmune disease. It isn't just a slight ache here and there when the air gets cold. (Although the weather does make it worse), it's also that my daughter is 11 years old and her body cannot hold her up from day to day. It may hold her fine today, but tomorrow she won't be able to walk. She may be able to walk from the car to the house today, but tomorrow, I will have to carry her in. And just because she can walk from the classroom to the bathroom, doesn't mean she can walk to (and back from) the cafeteria that is on the other side of the school.

Not to mention, again, it's an autoimmune disease. She gets extremely bad headaches, sometimes from the medicine, sometimes from the disease. She has stomach aches and body aches (not just little ol' lady pangs here and there) but real pains. Her ENTIRE internal system is affected by this. And we never know how it will attack her from day to day.

Geez! Wake up people! Research what you are judging. Stop being so simple minded. Stop believing you know everything based on what you think you see. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!! And you won't, until you care to actually pay attention and get to know her and her life.

I'm tired, y'all. I am slowly losing my filter. I am losing my ability to hold my tongue and it's just getting harder and harder. I am about to go off and that's not going to be good for anyone.

When I got Mary from school today, I was met at the door by a staff member who informed me that I haven't been sending notes in with Mary when she is in her wheelchair stating that I'd be picking her up that afternoon. Well duh! She can't get on the bus in her chair now can she?? Hello, McFly!! *knock, knock* Is anybody home? This is a perfect example of a policy zombie.

I maintained and told her that it was supposed to be in her 504 that I would pick her up when she was in the chair and I was told that was sufficient enough. She said, "I don't look at 504s." My thoughts? "Either start looking into the 504s that you are curious about or mind your own business, but stay out of my way with your bad attitude and stop looking down your nose at me. I'm guessing I'd be right in thinking maybe you have your own issues to tend to."

But that's not what I said of course. Cause I am trying hard to remain nice and get through this year without an incident and I really do hate to be ugly to someone, even if they do deserve it. I feel bad afterward every time I have to tell someone how I feel, but they are making this very difficult.

So then she asks me, "Do you know what days she will be in the chair?" o.O *sigh* SMH

Why yes, she won't be able to walk tomorrow, next Wednesday, Dec. 23rd and possibly next June.

Y'all....smh. I am trying so hard.

Overwhelmed

Disclaimer: I am going to whine a little y'all. I think I have earned my moment to have a pity party. 

I am really going through it right now y'all. If I had a magic wand that would allow me to turn off all of my emotions, I would do it in a second, no hesitation. I am already an emotional person, I feel deeply and it can get extremely overwhelming at times. Not to mention that I have severe anxiety and without an everlasting guiding light, I can easily feel lost in the darkness. In other words, without a plan or a way out, I feel like there is no hope. 

I cannot feel like there is no hope. 

If I start to feel that way, Mary will start to feel it too. Good God, the pressure to remain strong and hold it together is too much sometimes. I am human too after all. The need to breakdown and just go inside of my head and stay there is very real. I feel like I just need to get in my truck and drive until I hit the ocean. Blaring my Christian music all the way, windows down, wind in my hair and on my face...I need to escape. But I just keep hitting walls. 

I cannot concentrate on much right now and the lurking responsibility of me even finishing a days assignments in my classes is like grating my skin. The housework has gone to hell and my urge to even feed my family is just not there.

Yes, I have already scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I know exactly what's going on. And I obviously am not against reaching out for help. I don't want to be responsible right now. I, in no way, shape or form want to adult even for a minute, but I will because I have to. Mommy doesn't get to stop going because she can't handle things. Mommy has to handle things.

Honestly, you guys, I am just ready for the Resurrection. I wish He'd come back now. I wish He would just take us home, reach down and pluck us all out of this place. I'm ready.

I can take a lot. Physical pain is nothing for me. Burn me all day long, I can take it. But my kids being in pain, I can't take that. I can't see my daughter, who should be perfectly healthy, try to stand up in the morning and fall to the floor because her body won't hold her up. I can't watch as her personality changes right before my eyes and turns her slowly into someone that she is not, blocking out that once shining girl who loved life and was happy and playful and kind. 

This is sheer agony. 

She has immediate needs that I cannot meet because we don't have the money. There is disappointment, fear, anxiety, extreme sadness, it's just too much. I just want to throw in the towel right now. I can't do this, y'all.

Having all of this going on with Marian, and then also having to try to hold myself together through Kathryn's breakdowns and meltdowns, trying to juggle what is going to set her off, what is going to cause a fight with her, or Clara, or Mary, or Aiden and sometimes even Johnnie (because he's feeling the stress too), is just so much to handle. And then worrying about if I am going to anger my parents in someway too? It's just crazy. I need time off, but there isn't a clock to clock out. There's not a vacation sign-up sheet for me. No sick days, nothing. I am in it, nonstop, no way out.

I can't even drink, darn it. It just gives me gas and with my stomach being messed up like it is, gas feels like a death sentence. (Sorry, I have to try to smile or I can't get through this. I'm not really a drinker, I just talk big, lol)

I need to go to church. I need that feeling that I have in that place. I need to go talk to God. (Yes I talk to Him all the time here, but it's not the same, I don't care what anyone says, it's just not.) But I can't drag my big ol' butt out of bed to get there! Isn't that stupid? LOL Geez, I am losing my mind. 

I miss my church family so much. I think about them all daily. I know I should be there with them. I even know that I would feel loads better if I was there but this depression is stronger than anyone knows and it's got a tight hold on me. 

I hope my doctor can and will help. Cause this is just dragging me down when I need to be at my strongest. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I feel like I'm sleepwalking anyway, just without the rested feeling. :(

Healer