Disclaimer: I am going to whine a little y'all. I think I have earned my moment to have a pity party.
I am really going through it right now y'all. If I had a magic wand that would allow me to turn off all of my emotions, I would do it in a second, no hesitation. I am already an emotional person, I feel deeply and it can get extremely overwhelming at times. Not to mention that I have severe anxiety and without an everlasting guiding light, I can easily feel lost in the darkness. In other words, without a plan or a way out, I feel like there is no hope.
If I start to feel that way, Mary will start to feel it too. Good God, the pressure to remain strong and hold it together is too much sometimes. I am human too after all. The need to breakdown and just go inside of my head and stay there is very real. I feel like I just need to get in my truck and drive until I hit the ocean. Blaring my Christian music all the way, windows down, wind in my hair and on my face...I need to escape. But I just keep hitting walls.
I cannot concentrate on much right now and the lurking responsibility of me even finishing a days assignments in my classes is like grating my skin. The housework has gone to hell and my urge to even feed my family is just not there.
Yes, I have already scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I know exactly what's going on. And I obviously am not against reaching out for help. I don't want to be responsible right now. I, in no way, shape or form want to adult even for a minute, but I will because I have to. Mommy doesn't get to stop going because she can't handle things. Mommy has to handle things.
Honestly, you guys, I am just ready for the Resurrection. I wish He'd come back now. I wish He would just take us home, reach down and pluck us all out of this place. I'm ready.
I can take a lot. Physical pain is nothing for me. Burn me all day long, I can take it. But my kids being in pain, I can't take that. I can't see my daughter, who should be perfectly healthy, try to stand up in the morning and fall to the floor because her body won't hold her up. I can't watch as her personality changes right before my eyes and turns her slowly into someone that she is not, blocking out that once shining girl who loved life and was happy and playful and kind.
This is sheer agony.
She has immediate needs that I cannot meet because we don't have the money. There is disappointment, fear, anxiety, extreme sadness, it's just too much. I just want to throw in the towel right now. I can't do this, y'all.
Having all of this going on with Marian, and then also having to try to hold myself together through Kathryn's breakdowns and meltdowns, trying to juggle what is going to set her off, what is going to cause a fight with her, or Clara, or Mary, or Aiden and sometimes even Johnnie (because he's feeling the stress too), is just so much to handle. And then worrying about if I am going to anger my parents in someway too? It's just crazy. I need time off, but there isn't a clock to clock out. There's not a vacation sign-up sheet for me. No sick days, nothing. I am in it, nonstop, no way out.
I can't even drink, darn it. It just gives me gas and with my stomach being messed up like it is, gas feels like a death sentence. (Sorry, I have to try to smile or I can't get through this. I'm not really a drinker, I just talk big, lol)
I need to go to church. I need that feeling that I have in that place. I need to go talk to God. (Yes I talk to Him all the time here, but it's not the same, I don't care what anyone says, it's just not.) But I can't drag my big ol' butt out of bed to get there! Isn't that stupid? LOL Geez, I am losing my mind.
I miss my church family so much. I think about them all daily. I know I should be there with them. I even know that I would feel loads better if I was there but this depression is stronger than anyone knows and it's got a tight hold on me.
I hope my doctor can and will help. Cause this is just dragging me down when I need to be at my strongest. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I feel like I'm sleepwalking anyway, just without the rested feeling. :(
Healer
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