Difficult Night Ahead

(Me and Clara August 24th, 2004)

I am so very, very tired. I'm talking deep, deep in my soul kind of tired. I have been such a nervous wreck lately. I feel like I am wrapped so tight that I can't breath. All of the worry and stress, the anxiety and panic, the grief and running around nonstop.

Kids, school, family, money, our uncertain future, are all things on my mind constantly. I am in a never-ending fight to figure it all out and get things in their right place, working and functioning properly. But I am without the proper tools to do so at the moment and it's driving me insane.

Worrying about my kids health and mental states, not knowing how I'm going to get the money for doctor's appointments, surgeries, etc...Unsure of what my next steps are, trouble keeping up with appointments, what needs to be done for each doctor, for each child, etc...It's overwhelming, and I feel like I need a personal assistant.

Now I am so worried about Clara, I don't know how I can even close my eyes and sleep tonight. Not knowing how she's doing, how her day has gone, if she's happy, healthy, warm, fed and full, not scared or lonely, or homesick even. I hate not knowing how she is doing. It's causing me really bad anxiety, which is just wearing me out more and making my mind even more of a jumbled up, chaotic mess.

Kathryn has had an exceptionally bad day for behavior. She has whined, fought, talked back, been defiant and disobedient, she has argued and just given me a run for my money.

Marian is hurting, badly. She has been irritable and mean. She's whining and giving us attitude anytime she has to do something, even if it's for herself, like taking a bath before school tomorrow. She's fighting me on taking her medications. She's tired of swallowing pills she says. She really struggles with getting some of them down. But she doesn't want the shots either. So it's a lose-lose.

She had fun on Field Day and at our Family Reunion, but she is more than paying for it now. She took the wheelchair to school today and will probably do so tomorrow as well.

Clara <3

Jekyll and a Thief

So we didn't sleep very well last night. Today Clara left for her field trip to Jekyll Island (Driftwood). I had anxiety attacks all night long. I woke up having them! So we got her to school this morning, after a very weepy hugging and going over the rules again, and how to stay safe.

Be aware at all times of your surroundings.

Kick, punch, bite, gouge the eyes, etc...if anyone tries to take you.

Stay with your class, a friend, a teacher, at all times. Etc...

It was very hard for me to let her go. My anxiety and panic filled my head with all of the worst case scenarios all night long. Kidnappings, falling into the ocean, or the swamp, getting eaten by alligators, being left somewhere, getting lost. You think of it, I imagined it.

But we still managed to get her to the school on time and get her all loaded up on the charter bus. I was so relieved to see two of her best friends there. To know they would be with her, riding the same bus (there were 2 buses), and even bunking together, I know they will watch out for her and they will all 3 stick together and look out for each other. Knowing they'd be with her did ease my mind a bit.

I'm not going to lie though, I am still a little nervous, a bit on edge. I will not feel right again until she's back home. I do hope she has an amazing time and I'm sure she is having a blast. She gets home just to turn right back around a week later to go to summer camp, lol. She said I'm trying to get rid of her, but truthfully, I just want to make sure she has great, memorable experiences that she wouldn't get by staying around here. And she made some awesome friends last year that are already e-mailing me asking if Clara will be at camp this summer. :)

So this morning, I e-mailed the lady behind CleftKids.org and the Cleft Care Packages, to ask about Clara's packages. She was sponsored for both of her summer surgeries and was supposed to receive two packages, one before each surgery. Her May 5th surgery came and went and she never did get her package. The lady said that she had sent it off on 4/27 and it said it was delivered to our front porch.

o.O

There's a trouble maker that lives on our street. She is mean, she is nasty to everyone, and she steals from our porches. She steals cigarettes, she steals toys, she steals miscellaneous things. She has not been allowed in our yard for some time because of how she has mistreated Clara and Marian. But around the time the package would have arrived, she and her friends were lurking around our yard/porch. I have no doubt in my mind that she took that box. And it's a real shame. It's a really low kind of person who can steal from someone, especially from a child going in to have surgery. I have no proof. But I will be watching closely from now on.

Thankfully, the lady was sympathetic to Clara's situation and is sending her another Cleft Care Package. She was the one who sponsored Clara to begin with. :( Hopefully this one will make it to us.



Here are the pictures of Clara ready to head out n her trip today. And her friends, Charley and Raygan. :) <3

                                       

                                      

Breaks My Heart

Clara asked us at dinner tonight why no one ever comes to see her or check on her after her surgeries. :( It makes my heart sad to know that she thinks no one loves her or thinks of her. I don't know what to tell her either. "Mommy and Daddy just aren't friends with people who think like that."? Or, "Your family reads about it on Facebook so they know you're doing ok and just can't take the time out of their busy schedules to drop by to see you face to face."?

Kids don't understand things like that. I hate this world that we live in now, where we can't afford the time or the gas to let people know we love them or that they matter. It's really heartbreaking.

Clara's Surgery

Clara's surgery went very well. Dr. Thomas ended up having to go ahead and take her two top front teeth, and a third tooth that was growing up into her palate. He said he will just build her smile himself. We are ok with that. :) We love, respect and trust Dr. Thomas wholeheartedly.

Update: My Aunt asked me some questions about her teeth and what was going to happen with them. I didn't realize I hadn't put that information in here. I was sooo tired, y'all.

So, Dr. Thomas is going to start by putting in temporary teeth by way of attaching them to her braces, then to her retainer and finally he will put in permanent teeth by screwing them into her upper jaw. This whole process will take anywhere from 2-3 years, I believe, from my own understanding.

We were 30 minutes late getting to Day Surgery, even though we got up early. We hit Atlanta work traffic and it took us over an hour to get there. They were calling us as we were coming off the elevator to sign in. I also forgot to bring her registration paper, but it was ok, they allowed us to sign in anyway, without having to do it all over again. (Cause Scottish Rite Rocks!)

We were only waiting for a little bit before they called us back to triage. Then we were in a room and within 25 minutes, they had her going back to surgery. She didn't even have a chance for the goofy juice to kick in. LOL

Me and Johnnie were starving, so we headed down to the Cafeteria to get breakfast. It was 10:00am. We got there, after a long walk, and they were closed until 11. Well, Dr. Thomas had said that the surgery would only take an hour and stressed that we should get back in the room asap. So we walked across the street to Northside Hospital but their cafe was closed too. They had a McDonald's though so we went there. :(

We got back in the room around 10:45 and ate our food. We were anticipating her to be back soon, but she ended up staying in surgery until about 11:35. She came in and she was awake and alert, in no pain or discomfort at all. It was an easy surgery for her, just as he said it would be.

We made sure she could handle liquids by mouth and she was discharged.

We've been home now for a while and she is in no pain at all. I gave her tylenol as a preventive measure anyway though. Better safe than sorry.

I'm very proud of her and how she handled herself today. She was very brave and never once worried or afraid. She was just like, "Let's get this going already." LOL

And now she's just worried about when she can eat solid food. :P

I am exhausted, so now we are going to watch a movie in bed with Clara. Goodnight Y'all :)

Kat Feeding Aiden :)

I had cooked for several weeks straight and just wanted a night off, so I had a "Fend For Yourself" night, which means I cook for me and the babies and anyone who knows how to make eggs, toast, or work the microwave, cooks for themselves. I made leftovers for me and Aiden, of BBQ grilled chicken with red mashed potatoes and Kat wanted a pasta meal from the freezer. Aiden, being all boy like he is, ate his and then thought Kat's looked tasty too. lol He asked for a bite and Kat started feeding him. I had to catch this as this is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. :) <3

Kat feeding her baby brother, Aiden

Update on Kathryn's Night Terrors

Last night, we gave Kat just the Melatonin, which has been working great for her by itself, until the past few times we have given it to her. It seems to me that these meds work great for like 3-4 days and then they just stop working all together. You have to give them days in between taking them and then start them back on it. Last night, we gave her her Melatonin at 8pm. She stayed up, awake, whiny and combative, but awake, until well after 1am. I was so upset that the meds weren't working and we (Johnnie and I) were just feeling exhausted and frustrated. It's difficult handling this sometimes. We definitely have our moments when we look at each other and we just know that we're both spent. Our patience runs thin, sometimes it runs out completely. Like just a few minutes ago. She hasn't listened to anything we have told her for going on a week now. She is either ignoring us or she just isn't comprehending us. I really couldn't tell you which it is. On my bad days, she's just ignoring us. On my good days, I realize she may not be able to listen. Tonight everything came to a head and I yelled at her. Not my best moment by far, but it happens, sadly.

Tonight, she will be taking a Clonidine. I wanted to take her off all meds, but I just don't think that's feasible, especially if anyone in this house (Me), wants to ever sleep again. Man, I have so much on my plate right now, doctors appointments out the yin yang, starting school full time, taking care of all 4 kids and their constant, daily needs, trying to get myself healthy too so I can take care of them properly and be here to take care of them, trying to start my small business up to try to bring in some kind of income, and trying to maintain some kind of sanity and relationship with my husband, which has been severely neglected by both of us lately. It's tough!

The girls go back to school tomorrow. I know it sounds horrible, but I cannot wait for them to go back. Clara and Mary's fighting has gotten steadily worse. Mary even spent the entire weekend at a friend's house but as soon as she walked in the door, Clara was giving her grief over nothing. Just tiny little things that she turns into huge fights. Mary doesn't help any with her smart mouth and "I don't give a darn" attitude. I need a break! And that's a huge understatement. If I had a way, I'd totally run away for a weekend. :P

I start school tomorrow. I already opened up with my Introduction tonight. Tomorrow starts the real classes and assignments. I am extremely nervous. I do not have exclusive ownership of my brain these days, it's pretty well split 6 ways, me having the least of. I'm afraid I won't be able to hold the information or that I will make a mistake that costs me dearly as far as grades go. I am an anxious person anyway, so of course this would startle me a bit.

I am doing great on my weight loss. I am eating great, and it has not been as much a struggle this time as it has been in the past. I'm assuming it's due to my hanging on to some of the changes in our eating habits that were made in 2012. It has been much easier this time than it was when we first started learning better eating habits, more about nutrition, value of food, etc...I've also been doing really well with my workouts. I walked half a mile after breakfast this morning, and then I did 18 minutes of P90X (Plyometrics) this evening. Clara, Mary and Kat have joined me in my workouts (P90X and/or walking) so far. Johnnie even walked the half a mile with us today. Aiden was along in his stroller so not sure that counts as a workout for him, LOL :P

Our life is busy, busy, busy. Probably not so much compared to that of others, but for us it is pretty hectic and at times overwhelming. I look forward to this summer when we (hopefully) will have some down time and have a chance to just let out that long awaited sigh and finally relax. That is, in between surgeries of course. o.O




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(Ka = KAthryn, La = CLAra, Ri = MaRIan, En = AidEN) ;) Clever little monkey, ain't I? lol

A New Day

We'll, I wasn't getting much support about the whole weight loss surgery. Everyone just kept telling me how dangerous it is and how they know someone who knew someone that knew someone else who had it and...*insert failure here* happened. So I guess I'm going to hold off on it for now. I've been reading how people can gain back the weight, and to me if I run risk of regain, it's not worth it. I'm strong willed, stubborn, hard-headed and determined. I'm going to do this on my own. So far, I'm down 7lbs this week, (17 all together since starting this). I feel good too. I'm back on my Shakeology and doing my P90X routine. I've got this. ;)