Day 2, I'll Never Sleep Again

I don't know if any of you reading this have any ADHD, anxiety riddled, night terror having, spastastic children, but it's like having a newborn baby for a prolonged period of time...like forever. I am currently running on 9.5 hours of sleep for the past 2 days. My brain is foggy and I am on the brink of hallucinations. I fell asleep waiting in the car rider lane at Kat's school this afternoon. I'm sure I was quite a vision with my head fallen down to the side, hanging halfway out the window, drool running down the side of my mouth, disheveled hair blowing in the breeze...and then it must have been quite the sight when I was jerked awake abruptly by a loud truck whizzing by my window. :/ I was startled awake, and I seriously felt sick to my stomach as I wiped the drool from my face, trying so hard not to be obvious and bring attention to myself, seeing as I was surrounded by parents waiting in their cars at this point. I then proceeded to frantically search for my useless non-serviced cellphone, because I dropped it while I was falling asleep playing Solitaire and my alarm was going off to tell me to go get Clara from school.

My youngest daughter is a wonderful, beautiful, impressive, intelligent little person. But after dark she's a crying, screaming, fear-riddled demon spawn. Her skin gets pasty white and flush, she has beads of sweat pouring down her scary, twisted, contorted little face, as she's seeing things only she can see, while screaming or crying uncontrollably, not wanting to be touched but wanting me to be in the room to witness her hysterics. This usually happens off and on from 1-4am.
Aiden has started having trouble sleeping too. He's been waking up a few times a night as well. And while I am super thankful that they aren't having fits at the same time, it still keeps me up through most of the night in intervals, going from one child to the next. So right now, I am caught somewhere in between wanting to sleep and not being able to due to Aiden still being awake or because my mind as tired as it is, cannot rest. I have anxiety pretty badly. Anyone who has this horrible, sometimes crippling mindfreak issue should understand what I'm talking about when I say, I am a crazy woman most of the time. A crazy woman who thinks of everything that could and most likely will go wrong. I think of how to stop things that haven't even happened yet. I plan how to make things work in my life, or how to better my kids lives, things we need, things they have said they want, chores the next day, chores that got done or left that day, my car needing to be cleaned out and Johnnie needing a car of his own that doesn't drink gas like water. I think of all of the health issues and problems, doctor's appointments that I need to make, ones that are coming up, others that got forgotten and we never made it to that now need to be rescheduled, again. Who is on what medicines, did they take them today? Did they brush their teeth, their hair, did they bathe? Deodorant? Did they clean up the bathroom afterwards? We need groceries. Mary's lost two teeth this past week and the tooth fairy didn't come, she must not work weekends, especially weekends when Mommy is super tired. She's very considerate to not wake me up. And this all happens at once... usually as soon as my head hits the pillow. (I'm delirious, so I hope all of that made sense, lol)
Lots of stuff always going on and happening up there in my wonky brain, but you probably wouldn't know it by the zombied look on my face most days. :P I picked Kat up from school this afternoon and she was on edge. She went to school with a new headband this morning and didn't have it on this afternoon. So when I asked her where it was, she broke down crying and became hysterical very quickly. I knew right then that she had had a long day and that she was very much over stimulated. The progression only took off from there as she continued the fits and they sensitivity until she finally passed out for the night a few minutes ago. So after I picked Kat up from school, I had to drive to the next town to pick Clara up from school. She had her first day of face to face classes with her teachers and fellow students. She enjoyed it enough to want to go back Thursday, but she said it dragged out and was so super slow. She said she stayed on the computer, not really talking to anyone. Big surprise there, right?! LOL She did say that she likes all of her teachers (even though she cannot understand one of them when they speak), she says they are all nice and fun, but she especially loves her Spanish teacher. :) Her Spanish teacher is the reason she wants to return on Thursday. I pray she loosens up and makes new friends this year. She has to stop being so afraid to talk to people.
Aiden is in bed watching tv now, the girls are in the livingroom on their laptops, and I am getting ready to lay down. I hope I get to sleep tonight. If not, I might not make it tomorrow.

First Day of School

Kat and Clara both started school today. Kathryn woke up excited, so much so that she couldn't stop talking really, really fast. LOL I wasn't as energetic at 6am, so I had to ask her several times to slow down a little.

I got her dressed in her brand new Supergirl Dress, new sparkly black shoes, her superhero shorts (to go under her dress), and he new pink hair bow, and she was beautiful and ready for her first day! I fed her breakfast while her Daddy and her talked about what to expect and then took pictures. She was so anxious and couldn't wait to go out the door. It was really very sweet.

When it was time to go, she was running for the truck. She got in and buckled up before I even had to say anything, which is not something that happens with her...ever.
We had to go the long way, or so I thought, because of road work. The people who are over the building and maintaining of our city streets decided that we needed an EXTRA SMALL roundabout at the entrance to the road that the school is on, instead of just doing the smart thing and putting up a light. Now on one of the busiest roads in all of Henry County, where big rigs, school buses, large trucks and vans travel daily, they have this new obstacle that has caused a backup of traffic at the busiest time of the morning (and afternoons) and the bigger vehicles are having trouble even getting around the roundabout. Idiots. All of the people who are behind this... idiots.

Anyway, we got to her school and she was up and ready before I could get out of my seat. We went inside and found that we were a little bit early so we had to wait in the main hall with the rest of the parents and students waiting to go in. Everyone in that hall was anxious and ready for a new school year. You could feel the enthusiasm in the air...although that could've just been the parents ready for school to start back! Ha! ;)

When the bell rang, Mrs. Anderson let us go through the big double doors and they were off!! I was surprised at just how many parents didn't know or understand how a line works and how to follow suit in a line. They were cutting in front of people, pushing their way through and making it very difficult to get right as they were shoving their way to the left. Kind of disappointing actually, but it did make me understand a little bit better why the majority of kids are not very considerate and why bullying is such a big thing now. Parental Fail.

Anyway, we got to her class and she busted through the open door into her classroom, ready to see her teachers, give them her school supplies and conquer the day! I could almost see the visions she had inside of her little brain of what they day would be like for her. She was just taking it all in and loving every second of being a big girl in a big girl school at a big girl desk. She found her name tag and sat down and immediately started unloading her bookbag. Mrs. Salmon came over with her cubby basket for her to put her things in and although Mrs. Salmon was oblivious to it, I watched as my ADHD, OCD child rearranged everything that Mrs. Salmon put into the basket so that it went in how Kat wanted it and not how Mrs. Salmon was doing it. LOL

I left her in the classroom, sitting at her desk, reading a book. Well, I actually made it to the door and slowly stuck my head out of the room to see if I could get through the hall yet and heard her  say ever so lightly, "Mommy?" I turned and saw the unsure look on her face that said, "Will I be ok here when you leave? I'm nervous now." So I went and kissed her forehead and hugged her again and told her she would be ok, that she was going to love school and she was going to have a fun day and she would get to learn lots of cool new stuff. She smiled and I left. It felt like my flip flops were made of stone. Every step I took was heavier than the one before it. I don't even know how I made it back to the front main doors, my head was in such a fog and I was second guessing myself in leaving her there. But I kept hearing a voice (metaphorically people, not schizophrenically) saying, "If you step in now, you will only be hindering her education and social growth." So I kept walking until I reached the truck. I got in and just sat there for a few minutes actually talking myself into leaving the parking lot and not waiting there until she got out. And then I remembered that I had to take the truck home so Johnnie could go to work. :)

I was nervous all summer long about sending Kat to school. I was terrified about the phone calls, the letters home, the conferences, the mean stares I'd get because the teachers just thought I wasn't parenting her or correcting her behavior, etc...It never even occurred to me that I would have a hard time even letting her go! I thought I was ready for her to start school. I really did. And while the break was nice, and it went by fast as I cleaned the house and took care of the other kids, I was ready to go pick her up this afternoon. I was so happy to see her smiling face in that car rider line. And when she got in and sat up like such a big girl who had conquered the day, she buckled up, put her bookbag down in the seat beside her and said to her brother, "Hey, little buddy." because he's a baby and she's not. :)

The drive home was full of chatter and her stories of the day and how much she loved it all, everything, everyone, and especially lunch because she is a big girl and she carried her own tray and the food was "Awesome!" because they fed her chicken nuggets and beans that she didn't really like, but she ate them anyway because they put them on her tray and that's what big girls do. :D :D :D <3 <3 <3

My heart was full. She had a good day.
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Clara started today too. Her day began a bit differently however. She woke up at 9am, to a hot breakfast and she got to take her time waking up. She made me wake her up 3 times, but when she got up, she didn't fight me or get ill with me. She just mopped out to the livingroom, sat down for a minute and then went up to the kitchen table to eat. She didn't argue with Mary, she did ask how Kat's morning had gone and I told her all about it.
She asked when her orientation was supposed to start and I said, "10am, sharp." She ate a little bit of her breakfast (Clara's not a big eater) and then got on her laptop. She signed in to school to give it a once over and then took 30 minutes to play her games before her orientation started.
After orientation, she did her classwork, (or so I thought) and then helped with random chores throughout the day in between Youtube videos and games.

I just found out that she didn't quite finish a few of her assignments, mostly because they asked her to write about herself. And a few quizzes that she thought were meant for the end of the week. LOL Nope, quizzes on the first day. She wasn't happy that I told her at 9pm, that she had to go finish up the work that she missed today, but again, she didn't fuss or fight or argue, she just went to it. I am one proud Mommy right now. :)

Mary doesn't start school until the 8th, so she spent the entire day watching Netflix movies and helping with household chores.

Aiden slept most of the morning, not waking up until 11am, after many, many attempts to get him out of bed, he ate and went straight to playing with his toys and watching "ewwwtube" videos. Now it's bedtime and I can hear him in his room tormenting Marian. LOL

It's been a great day. <3

Mary's Home! :)

We picked Marian up from camp around 11am this morning. And as I predicted, she loved it and had a great time! She made lots of friends and did lots of fun things that she wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. Unfortunately, as you can see from the photo up there ^, she also went into a relapse while at camp. :( It breaks my heart so bad to see my baby like this. I am glad that she had a good time, and that she made new friends, I'm even happy to know that she will more than likely want to return to camp next summer, but I wish she didn't have to pay for it with her health. She's too young to have to go through this. </3

Her face is broken out with her little white JA bumps, her face is red (not sunburn red...there is a difference), her lips are a little swollen, as well as her eyes, and as you can see, she can't stay awake for long periods of time right now. Hopefully this won't last as long as it has in the past. Thankfully, she doesn't start school when Clara and Kat do. She starts 7 days after they do. So she will at least have some time to recover and possibly go into remission.

Right now, I just ask that you please pray for her. She needs lots of prayers for her health. 

Kat Makes a Sandwich

Clara's Starting Middle School

When I first heard about Impact Academy, I thought it was just another online school that was going to be predictable with teachers who were only there to pass the time and get paid. I wasn't really in too much of a rush to sign Clara up.
Then I kept hearing more and more about it. People were starting to get really vocal about praising this school and its staff. It kind of made me raise an eyebrow and start to listen. Y'all know how Clara's school years have been up until this point, with this last year being an especially difficult one for her. I got to thinking about it last night after talking to Clara's (and Mary's and Kathryn's) Pre-K teacher, and I wanted to come back and add that the exception to this was her year in Pre-K. She had the best experience in Pre-K because she had a fantastic teacher. If we could have kept Mrs. Russell as their teacher up through 12th grade, we would have. All three girls love her dearly and would take her back as their teacher in a second!
Clara is not your typical student/person. She is not a bubbly, girly girl, who talks a lot, is into gossip or drama, she doesn't like boys yet and still thinks they are icky (for good reason cause they are), she is not one to accept authority easily (no idea where she gets that), she is opinionated but keeps her opinion to herself, she doesn't participate easily in anything that isn't online.

She's not one to talk to people, at all, that do not live with her or that she doesn't trust whole-heartedly, (She won't even talk to her own doctors y'all and she trusts them with her life). She doesn't make friends easily because she thinks people are generally disappointing and she is extremely guarded. She is a perfect mix of me and her Daddy to say the least.

So she wasn't doing well in a public school setting. We decided on Impact for her when we realized she would be leaving elementary and going into middle school. (It snuck up on us too quickly)

There is NO WAY we are allowing her to go to middle school to be exposed to things that she shouldn't even know about at 11 years old. (The kids around here are waaaay too "mature" in their knowledge of "life"). She's just not there yet. Thank God! And we just do not feel like she is ready for that setting just yet. The teachers aren't too understanding about someone with her personality. She thinks outside of the box and that's not generally a good thing in public schools.

Well, today we went for her Open House at Impact. And even though we knew from our initial orientation that they were going to be different, we did not understand just how different they are...in a good way. :)

(Now I'm about to say all of this from our first impression today. I pray our feelings do not change toward the staff during the year. I don't expect any issues though.)

The Principal is amazing! He is not a stuffy ole suit with a power trip and control issues. He is friendly, smiley, happy, and genuine. These are not common traits found within the staff of many schools nowadays. And his staff is right up there with him. (At least the ones we were able to meet today). You know how you can just feel if a person is good when you meet them?

(Especially if you are a people watcher and have come to know and read body language really well.)

The science teacher, Mr. Formby is one of those people. I am excited about him this year. :) I know she is going to really enjoy his class.

And then her Spanish teacher just made my day today. I was so worried about Clara taking her class because of Clara's speech issues and the recordings part of the class. I told her about my anxiety surrounding this and she instantly eased my mind. She told us that she will let Clara do her pronunciation part of the course face to face with her! :) She said she had lots of experience with speech impediments and that there wouldn't be a problem. There was no telling me to get back with her through conference or e-mail, her answer was immediate.

I swear y'all this school reminds me of Saved by the Bell. :) I am so excited for Clara to start this school year! <3

#ImpactAcademy #MsBliss #SavedbytheBell #RealTeachers #TeachersWhoCare #ThatAmazingSchoolSmell

Status Update on the Kiddies

I haven't written in depth for awhile, so I wanted to stop in and give an update on how everyone is doing. Things have been crazy, crazy, hectic here lately. The kids health, surgeries, our health (and I'm talking mental health here too), stress, etc... has just had us all a bundle of nerves and because of that, our lives have just kind of been put on hold.

Clara's surgeries went well. She has recovered and is getting ready to come off of her soft diet. She's extremely happy about that. Clara is a junkfood junkie, big time. She wants her chips, takis, twizzlers, etc...

Mary is not doing as well. Her arthritis has spread to her left foot, mostly affecting her big toe and the metatarsal region of her foot. It is affecting her foot the same way that it affected her right wrist..so you can imagine my severe anxiety over this, and hers as well. She is losing mobility in her foot. She is 10 years old and she is losing mobility in her foot. Just wanted to let that sink in really good. We have no way of knowing how bad it's going to get. We can only go by what we have already seen and that's that her wrist started this same exact way and now she has no use of her wrist and has been told they do not know if she will ever recover use of her wrist....now we see it beginning to happen in her foot, so we can only assume that she will lose use of her foot as well, leaving her in a wheelchair permanently. Every young girl's dream, right? :(

Kathryn is off the chain with her behavior lately. She doesn't listen, she hurts her little brother, she lashes out verbally at us, she is into everything like a two year old and she listens like a 1 year old. She argues with us like a teenager, and she has absolutely no concern for her own safety or anyone else's really. She has become very difficult to handle, but we are hanging in there and doing our very best.

Clara's attitude has become very much verbally combative and disrespectful. I try to explain things to her until I am blue in the face and nothing. She doesn't listen to me really, she just blanks out and only hears bits and pieces and thinks I am the enemy and that I am just out to get her. Simple little things turn into huge arguments and long lectures and nothing really comes of it. I'm guessing we have entered full on teenage mode, right? I have a hard time handling this defiant behavior.

They have a counselor, but we have trouble getting our calendars in sync, so they are seeing her sporadically right now. The focus has become more on me than on them these past two sessions however. I am honest to a fault I suppose and I have let her know that I do yell, I do cuss, a lot. I hate it, but it happens. I feel like they don't listen if I'm not yelling and they will indeed ignore me as long as they can. So freaking disrespectful. My frustration levels go through the roof and my mouth turns into that of a drunken foul mouthed sailor. I have promised them and the counselor that I will work on my yelling and on my mouth. So far, it's not going well. But everyday is a new day and tomorrow is a day to try again. I won't stop working on it, because I can't give in to this. It cannot control me and take over my life. I wish that my girls would realize the same thing and continuously work on their behaviors too. Maybe one day.

Aiden is starting to act out by watching his sisters, (and me too, I'm sure). I'm hoping we can nip this in the bud before it begins really.

People praying for us is what we need, I am convinced of that. All prayers and positive thoughts are welcomed, I assure you. They are also much appreciated. <3

We have school starting up soon. Kat is the only one leaving the house for school this year. She starts Kindergarten. While I am excited for her and looking forward to the break, I am terrified of what's going to happen. She doesn't seem to understand that she cannot act out in school and she cannot teach the teacher. She cannot do as she pleases and talk when she wants. She cannot freak out when she's told "No" or when she's told to do something that she doesn't want to do. Y'all, the fear is real. I do not want them to force her to take medication. The ADHD meds have a really bad rep for killing the kids taking them. I want her to behave, I don't want her hurt or worse. So if you read this and you pray, please pray specifically that classroom structure is what she needs and that her teacher will be patient, kind and understanding and that Kat will do well.

Clara and Mary will be homeschooling. Mary will be home full time where Clara will be in an actual school setting two days a week. Prayers for them to get along and for them to be able to take this seriously and focus would be welcomed.

Man, this next year has got to be better for us. We all need a break.

Clara's Surgery (2nd of the summer)

We went in for surgery on Monday morning. We had to be there by 10:15am, so we thought she was going to be having surgery shortly after. I can't explain how after all this time, we still never remember that we have to be there 3 hours prior to surgery, however, we forget this every time. We packed for a week long stay, just in case, because they had not told us how long they expected her to have to stay.

We went through registration, then we went through triage, and then straight back to her pre-surgery room, as usual. The nurse running her through triage was a little on the rude side, not sure why. But thankfully, when we got to her pre-surgery room, she had the same nurse she usually has. She's always very nice.

Clara got into her gown and socks, and got into bed. Johnnie had gone down to get breakfast for me and him, and got to the room just a few minutes after we did. Clara did her usual, she flipped through all of their kid's channels until she found something to watch, while me and Johnnie ate in between nurse and doctor visits to the room to talk to us about the procedure.

From the door to the floor, we see the check in guy, the registration guy, the triage nurse, the head nurse for the floor, the tech, the anesthesiologist, the surgeon's nurse, the surgeon's head nurse, and the surgeon. A lot of people in and out of that room in a short time. Clara pretty much just stays in the tv or phone and looks to me to answer all of their questions. I have to make her answer some of them, just so she will speak to them.

They give these kids what we all call the "goofy juice" or Versed, to keep them calm before surgery. They can get a bit anxious I guess. After about 10 minutes or so after getting the "goofy juice", she's a big ole' goofball, laughing at everything and being totally silly. This time she had me laughing so hard that I didn't have a chance to worry (or cry) as they were taking her back to the O.R., (I cry every time once she is out of sight, but not this time). When they took her down, we went to get lunch. The food we had for breakfast was horrible. The gravy over the biscuits tasted like spam and the eggs were hard. Yuck! So we hoped lunch would be better. We got to the cafeteria and saw that they had Chick-Fil-A sandwiches, so we thought if we got those, we'd be sure to have a good lunch. Nope. We got back to the room and ate, and they made us both sick. I guess they had been sitting out too long or something.

Dr. Burstein came in first. He said surgery had gone great and she was doing very well. He told us again what he had done and gave us some cream to put on her incisions. A little while after he left, a lady came in to take us to Clara's overnight room.

We went up to the second floor, where we met her nurses and got to settle into her room. The rooms were awesome! They're doing a lot of construction in the hospital right now, so they switched plastics to the old ICU floor/rooms. They're very large in comparison to the old rooms, with a comfy sofa bed, a desk, a tv, and a personal bathroom that's really big. The best part for this particular room though, was the fact that it sat above the main floor of the hospital. So when I was sitting in the bed, I could look down on Clara's favorite fish tank, the security desk, and the whole open area of the first floor, including the door where everyone comes into the hospital, (I love to people watch). ;)

Clara came in soon after we got to the room. She was in and out, as expected. She said she wasn't in any pain at first, but after a few hours the pain started creeping over her. She wanted to watch tv every time she came to. We don't have cable, so she was happy to have the Disney channel. She kept the tv on the entire time we were there. :)

On our way up to the room earlier, I had seen that they were giving away stuffed animals to the patients. So I went back down after we got settled into her room and got her a little stuffed horse. She gets a new stuffed animal for every surgery. This time we weren't going to have the money, but God provided one anyway. That was really great, <3 and she was very happy with her new horse. She loves horses almost as much as she loves wolves.

My brother and his family came to visit her. It was a huge treat for her. She was so happy to see them, and they brought her a cute little stuffed wolf, (cause wolves are her favorite animal), and she got to visit with her cousins who she loves dearly.

Johnnie had to leave when visiting hours were over so that he could come home with the babies. Mom and Daddy can't handle them during the night because of their (the babies) odd sleeping habits.

So it was just me and Clara for the night. We had dinner and watched tv, and then she wanted to get on her laptop. So she spent a few hours on her laptop in between sleeping. I went to sleep once she was settled in with her laptop, telling her to wake me if she needed anything at all. She woke me only so she could go to the restroom or if she needed me to feed her her drinks from her syringe.

They let us go after breakfast the next morning. The doctor came in and talked to me, but I was sleeping and wasn't fully awake while she was talking to me. I can only imagine how that had to have looked, me trying to talk back to the doctor as I'm steadily in and out of sleep. LOL Oh well. I'm sure it happens a lot. ;)

So later, the nurse had to relay everything the doctor had said to me. :)

Since she's been home, she's been sleeping a lot.. she's been asleep more than she's been awake. She's swelled up pretty badly too, which she usually does after a surgery like this one. But she's been hurting with this one too and that is unusual for her. She usually doesn't need pain meds more than a day or two after, but she has been keeping up her pain meds this time.

Her grandparents (Johnnie's parents), sent her a get well package that brightener her whole day. They sent her another stuffed wolf and she was in heaven! And the Minecraft coloring book sent her over the edge, lol, she was one happy camper. She's been cuddling that wolf and coloring in her book every time she wakes up. :)

Now she's in the livingroom, on her laptop, waiting to eat dinner. Johnnie said she's been up at night wanting to watch movies. I think her sleep schedule may be off a bit. :/

If you read this, please pray for healing for her.

Goofy Juice

Clara Smiling 

On her laptop, talking to her sister.

Talking to Mary on the laptop, with her ice pack to her face. 

Ready to go home

The view from my bed

We're home. :) She's sound asleep, with her Daddy right beside her.