I went to the ER this morning to have them check out my leg. After talking to my Aunts, we figured it would be better for me to just go and not wait in case it was a clot.
They tried to do blood work, but surprise! They couldn't find my veins through the fat, so they moved me along to ultrasound where the Tech was amazing. Talkative, but really comforting and understanding and seriously cheerful and caring. He was great and made me feel not so tense or worried.
He did the ultrasound and let me know immediately, even though he said he wasn't supposed to tell me, that there was not a blood clot anywhere in sight. He said there wasn't even any narrowing of my veins, which was a shock to me with me being so badly overweight like I am. But again, the doctor told me to lose the weight or else I could be dealing with these problems and worse in the near future.
So I got to come home to my family today with that monkey off of my back and feeling a new appreciation for my life. Which I know sounds very cheesy and cliche, but it's true. This whole year, as awful as it has been at times, has forced me to face not only my own mortality but also the mortality of my children and my husband, my mother and my father too...heck I even worried about my brother and he's the most healthy of us all! I have lost so many loved ones this year and having to see death walk away with so many of the people that I love and care for over the past two years has made me gain a whole new respect and love for my own life and the lives of the ones still here, even as bad as it can be at times...I am blessed. We are blessed.
I am making it my goal to let the little things not be big things anymore. Stress less, love more. Let the trivial things go and focus more on letting my family know that I love them enough to chill my anxieties and dramatics that seem to come so naturally to me for some reason, and to just be happy in the moment, (I wish Johnnie would come to the same realization, but I guess we all face our own demons in our own time).
This year I am not going to sit on my butt and watch my life happen without me. I am joining a gym, I am starting a clinic with my doctor for my weight loss, I am getting a job, I am graduating school, and I am getting our credit worked out and fixed once and for all. 2017, God willing, is going to be a great year of triumphs for us.
We have decided to stay put here while we get everything in order (hopefully no more than 6-7 months) instead of trying to do it in our own place and failing miserably because we can't afford it, just forcing us to come back here anyway. This time, we are going to do it right and when we get out, we are staying there. Sadly, it has taken me 36 years to grow up. But than again, I have always been a bit slower than most to figure things out, so it shouldn't be a big shocker for those who are close to me and know me well.
This is our year. 2017 is going to see great new things for us, I am praying and claiming it in the name of God. <3
Friday, December 30, 2016
Thursday, December 29, 2016
A Little Worried
Today was a beautiful day here in Georgia, wasn't it? The temperature was just right and the wind was blowing the leaves around beautifully. We were even fortunate enough to witness several leaf tornadoes in our very own front yard. They scared the babies but the girls thought they were cool. :)
We took the babies up to the top road and let them ride their Christmas toys again. Aiden drove his Batmobile and Kat rode her bike back and forth on the long stretch of road that runs at the top of the hill in front of our house. We all had a great time of it.
Today was just a really good day. I stopped to see God in everything today. I talked to Him quite a bit more than usual too... I don't know why. He was just there with me and on my mind, so I talked.
Marian joined us in the bike riding today too. Her right ankle was hurting her so we decided she should probably ride it out. She did a few laps and then had to go inside and go to sleep. Her body has been tired lately. She's been laying around and sleeping more.
About a week ago I was in the car with my Mom and sharp pains started shooting through my right calf, then cramping. It happened a few times and then it stopped. Immediately I thought of Gramma. My Gramma T., even though I only saw her a few times in my lifetime, meant the world to me. That lady was amazing!! She was tough and sweet all at the same time, a lot like my Papa (her son). She was funny too. I remember her smile the most and her sweet face. I remember how bad it hurt when she passed away and the shock of it for me. I was sure she would outlive us all just on sheer will. (She was tough, remember?) ;) I like to think that some of her lives on in me, I think I got some of my fireball from her. LOL
I went to see my Doctor today and after we talked a bit and she gave me a physical exam, she says she thinks that what's wrong with my leg is possibly a blood clot...just like Gramma. (I believe that's what took her from us.) She also told me that I really need to lose the weight. To say that I am terrified right now would be a serious understatement. I can barely hold a thought. My mind is all over the place. I have an ultrasound at 2pm tomorrow.
If you read these posts, please say a quick prayer that Mary will go into remission soon and that the ultrasound for me will be negative for blood clots. I'm not ready to face my mortality just yet, I still have 4 kids to see live their lives. Heck, I am still waiting to start mine and Johnnie's lives together, we've been on hold for many, many years. While I look forward to seeing Heaven, I don't think I am ready just yet...I hope He understands that.
We took the babies up to the top road and let them ride their Christmas toys again. Aiden drove his Batmobile and Kat rode her bike back and forth on the long stretch of road that runs at the top of the hill in front of our house. We all had a great time of it.
Today was just a really good day. I stopped to see God in everything today. I talked to Him quite a bit more than usual too... I don't know why. He was just there with me and on my mind, so I talked.
Marian joined us in the bike riding today too. Her right ankle was hurting her so we decided she should probably ride it out. She did a few laps and then had to go inside and go to sleep. Her body has been tired lately. She's been laying around and sleeping more.
About a week ago I was in the car with my Mom and sharp pains started shooting through my right calf, then cramping. It happened a few times and then it stopped. Immediately I thought of Gramma. My Gramma T., even though I only saw her a few times in my lifetime, meant the world to me. That lady was amazing!! She was tough and sweet all at the same time, a lot like my Papa (her son). She was funny too. I remember her smile the most and her sweet face. I remember how bad it hurt when she passed away and the shock of it for me. I was sure she would outlive us all just on sheer will. (She was tough, remember?) ;) I like to think that some of her lives on in me, I think I got some of my fireball from her. LOL
I went to see my Doctor today and after we talked a bit and she gave me a physical exam, she says she thinks that what's wrong with my leg is possibly a blood clot...just like Gramma. (I believe that's what took her from us.) She also told me that I really need to lose the weight. To say that I am terrified right now would be a serious understatement. I can barely hold a thought. My mind is all over the place. I have an ultrasound at 2pm tomorrow.
If you read these posts, please say a quick prayer that Mary will go into remission soon and that the ultrasound for me will be negative for blood clots. I'm not ready to face my mortality just yet, I still have 4 kids to see live their lives. Heck, I am still waiting to start mine and Johnnie's lives together, we've been on hold for many, many years. While I look forward to seeing Heaven, I don't think I am ready just yet...I hope He understands that.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Christmas and Hearing Aids
Right before Christmas, Marian started her Enbrel shots. She had the first two and 10 minutes later was sick as a dog. She stayed sick to her stomach for well over a week so we decided not to give her the shots again until after the holidays...just in case it was the meds and not a stomach bug. So we will start the shots again on January 06.
We slept in and didn't get up until 6am this year! We're usually up at 3am on Christmas morning and dead tired by 6am, lol
The kids were super happy with their gifts, even though there wasn't a lot and the older girls didn't really get toys this year, they were happy and grateful for what they did get, which made us happy. :) (Thank you to everyone who helped us make their Christmas amazing!)
Aiden did get a big present and so did Kathryn.
Aiden got the Batmobile and Kat got her bike that she had been asking Santa for all year. Aiden and Kathryn's high pitched, happy, excited and surprised squeals made it for me. The looks on their faces were priceless and just made my day. Clara and Mary were happy too but the excitement is not there for them anymore like it used to be. They've reached that age, 11 and 12, where they don't scream and squeal when they see something special sitting out for them on Christmas morning. Now they are just looking for clothes, shoes and electronics and if there's a giftcard in their stocking, that's a major bonus.They're growing up...way too fast.
We had a few days to rest and then today the doctor's appointments started up again. We had to have Clara in to see her ENT bright and early this morning for her fourth hearing test. They "unofficially" diagnosed her with Meniere's disease in both ears. Her hearing loss is mild to moderate in both ears, but it's enough that they referred her for hearing aids and lots more testing. Now we just wait for the phone call that tells us when her MRI is going to be and where, they said something about Vestibular Rehabilitation and some other test that I just cannot remember the name of now. I really wish that she had not had to deal with this disease...ever. This is a horrible disease and there is not a cure for it. No easy fixes. My Grandmother, my Mom and Johnnie (Clara's Daddy and my husband) all have Meniere's. The ringing never stops for Mom, (I'm not sure about Nanny), and the dizziness along with the hearing loss is enough that it has wreaked havoc on my Mom for years. Johnnie's ringing isn't constant, his hearing loss has been significant though, and the dizziness comes and goes for him but not near as often as it does for Mom and now Clara.
So now, hearing aids... and learning sign language for that just in case scenario that could happen down the road for not only Clara but Mom and Johnnie as well.
Christmas was amazing!! It was not stressful, it was not chaotic, it was perfect!!!
We slept in and didn't get up until 6am this year! We're usually up at 3am on Christmas morning and dead tired by 6am, lol
The kids were super happy with their gifts, even though there wasn't a lot and the older girls didn't really get toys this year, they were happy and grateful for what they did get, which made us happy. :) (Thank you to everyone who helped us make their Christmas amazing!)
Aiden did get a big present and so did Kathryn.
Aiden got the Batmobile and Kat got her bike that she had been asking Santa for all year. Aiden and Kathryn's high pitched, happy, excited and surprised squeals made it for me. The looks on their faces were priceless and just made my day. Clara and Mary were happy too but the excitement is not there for them anymore like it used to be. They've reached that age, 11 and 12, where they don't scream and squeal when they see something special sitting out for them on Christmas morning. Now they are just looking for clothes, shoes and electronics and if there's a giftcard in their stocking, that's a major bonus.They're growing up...way too fast.
We had a few days to rest and then today the doctor's appointments started up again. We had to have Clara in to see her ENT bright and early this morning for her fourth hearing test. They "unofficially" diagnosed her with Meniere's disease in both ears. Her hearing loss is mild to moderate in both ears, but it's enough that they referred her for hearing aids and lots more testing. Now we just wait for the phone call that tells us when her MRI is going to be and where, they said something about Vestibular Rehabilitation and some other test that I just cannot remember the name of now. I really wish that she had not had to deal with this disease...ever. This is a horrible disease and there is not a cure for it. No easy fixes. My Grandmother, my Mom and Johnnie (Clara's Daddy and my husband) all have Meniere's. The ringing never stops for Mom, (I'm not sure about Nanny), and the dizziness along with the hearing loss is enough that it has wreaked havoc on my Mom for years. Johnnie's ringing isn't constant, his hearing loss has been significant though, and the dizziness comes and goes for him but not near as often as it does for Mom and now Clara.
So now, hearing aids... and learning sign language for that just in case scenario that could happen down the road for not only Clara but Mom and Johnnie as well.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Mary's Splints
Mary is now 3 visits in to her Occupational Therapy/Physical Therapy. I love this place!! They already have her gaining motion in her right wrist! What a huge blessing that is! The therapists are wonderful and patient and they know exactly what they're doing. I am so glad that we found this place.
Monday Marian was given a softer, wrap over splint to use at school. She left it on from Monday morning until Tuesday evening, sleeping in it Monday night. Tuesday evening she had bumps and redness all over her hand where the splint had been and she was itching like crazy. She took it off and told the therapist about it this morning. We were told to allow her wrist time without it to see if maybe Marian is allergic to the material and she was given a new splint that is made to fit her wrist and is made out of different material that's harder than the other one.
She wore that at school all day and has not had any problems so far. It's helping with her pain and her mobility also. That's a big YAY! :)
I told y'all, she will beat this. I will WILL her through this if I have to, lol. But she will not lose her mobility. Not as long as I'm here to make sure she gets to her appointments and to remind her to do her wrist exercises twice a day, everyday. She's got this. ;) And it's a major stress off of my mind. <3
She's got a ton more visits ahead of her, but I am fully confident that by the end of this, she will have her wrist back.
Monday Marian was given a softer, wrap over splint to use at school. She left it on from Monday morning until Tuesday evening, sleeping in it Monday night. Tuesday evening she had bumps and redness all over her hand where the splint had been and she was itching like crazy. She took it off and told the therapist about it this morning. We were told to allow her wrist time without it to see if maybe Marian is allergic to the material and she was given a new splint that is made to fit her wrist and is made out of different material that's harder than the other one.
She wore that at school all day and has not had any problems so far. It's helping with her pain and her mobility also. That's a big YAY! :)
I told y'all, she will beat this. I will WILL her through this if I have to, lol. But she will not lose her mobility. Not as long as I'm here to make sure she gets to her appointments and to remind her to do her wrist exercises twice a day, everyday. She's got this. ;) And it's a major stress off of my mind. <3
She's got a ton more visits ahead of her, but I am fully confident that by the end of this, she will have her wrist back.
Friday, December 2, 2016
Christmas Dinner (At Church)
I have to tell y'all this :)
So after Mary had to endure a very uncomfortable hour and 45 minute long MRI tonight, we went to our Ladies Christmas Dinner at church. We were an hour late, but we made it and I am so glad that we did, (Even though we were not dressed for the dinner because we thought we'd have time to come home and get ready after the MRI). Not only did Marian get a beautiful crocheted blanket that she instantly fell in love with (and will be able to curl up in when she's needs a warm cuddly blanket), but we got to hear the most amazing testimony from a wonderful lady that we adore and we were so blessed to be able to hear an incredible woman named Ms. Tammy speak. I cried tonight, a lot. I cried when they took Mary out to the MRI, after they showed me the scary video that told me she could die on the table if her heart stopped because of the medicine that they had to give her.... o.O And then I cried like a baby, which is so humiliating for me, in the middle of the dinner while Ms. Marylou gave her testimony and then again when Ms. Tammy was speaking to my soul. And then I cried again when I got home and checked my mail only to find a much needed, couldn't have been better timed check inside of a beautiful, sweet card. (I don't know if they want me to say who sent it, so I'm not naming names, but these wonderfully amazing people know who they are).
So anywho, sitting there tonight in the church gymnasium, listening to what Tammy had to say felt like she was talking not only directly to me but about me as well. Her story about her relationship with her Dad struck a cord with me and hit really close to home, maybe too close. I love my Dad very, very much. He is and always will be my first ever hero and I love him dearly. But I feel like maybe I have lived a life that hasn't brought him much honor or could make him very proud of me. And I definitely do not believe that he knows how much I love and respect him. Her story made me cry, it broke my heart. But I'm glad I was there to hear it. I really needed to be there tonight, to hear all of it.
She also spoke to us about strained relationships and how God doesn't want us to have these in our lives. We are supposed to be on good terms with everyone, not a single person should have ill will toward us because of us. And of course, this also hit too close to home. So I will be working to make amends to those that I have wronged in any kind of way and really trying not to find myself here again.
What an amazing night after a long, stressful day/evening. And then, at every table there was a gift bag with a present inside for each person attending the dinner. I opened mine when we got home...it was a beautiful Christmas tree ornament that says "PEACE". It is the only ornament on our tree. :) How perfect is that?? :D God always knows, doesn't He? <3
Non-Principals
So yesterday I had a meeting with Clara's administrators and her teacher. I had been emailing back and forth with them over an incident that took place on Monday in one of her classes with her bully.
The meeting went well on one side and not so much on the other. In other words, the teacher and one of the Principals were kind and understanding and willing to work with me and the other Principal was not so much.
Well this rotten Principal emailed me last night and flat out lied to me about her talk with Clara about what had happened in class. She said Clara told her it was an accident, when Clara tried to explain to her the exact opposite. It looks to me like this Principal is trying to side with the bully here and protect her. Which is why this bully thinks she can keep doing this.
I'm not really sure what my next steps are. The police won't do anything because it happened in school and the "proper steps" have to be taken through the school first. So I have no clue. I wrote the other vice Principal in hopes that he is as understanding as he has seemed so far. So now we wait, I guess.
They can't just let this little girl continue to get away with now hitting Clara. This is ridiculous.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Clara's Bully and Our Meeting
Ok, so we have been dealing with the bullying - again. Same girl, same ole stuff. Name calling, making fun of Clara, making fun of us, bringing other people in on it, humiliating and embarrassing Clara, etc...
In October, I can't remember if I wrote about this here or not, but in October, the school was brought in on it and they had Clara and the bully sign a no contact contract. This contract states that they are not to speak to each other, they are not to migrate toward each other, they are not to have any form of contact even through other people. They both signed and agreed to this, with the understanding that if they violate the contract, they will face consequences that could lead up to expulsion and a court hearing.
The bully doesn't care, obviously. On Halloween night she tried to come to my house to speak to another child that was in our driveway with Clara. I had to stop the bully and remind her that there was to be no contact.
I made sure when I enrolled Clara in school, that the administration knew of this issue and that they did not put Clara in any classes with the bully. They honored my request except that Clara and the bully have Orchestra and even though it's in different class periods, they have to be in the same room for big rehearsals.
This past Monday, 11/28, bully sat next to Clara with just one child in between the two of them. Bully kept whispering hateful, nasty things to Clara over and behind the middle child. When bully got up to leave, she purposefully hit Clara in the arm with her music stand.
I wrote a letter and sent it to every Principal and teacher that I could think of that would be involved with Clara in any way. Everyone responded positively, except for one Principal who was visibly peeved by me and my concerns.
I asked for a copy of the contract that the girls had signed and asked that it be sent home on Wednesday afternoon. It wasn't. So I wrote them back to let them know how upsetting that was for me. Again, not being rude, just trying to figure things out and letting them know where I sit in all of this. Again, her reply e-mail was defensive and she was obviously offended by me and my words.
I told them I would be at the school this morning around 11am, and the guy Principal was very nice, patient and understanding..he welcomed me in to talk to him. No issues.
So I got there this morning, and interrupting their day and schedule, he was so nice and willing to talk to me and not only talk to me but to listen to me too. She was not as polite and was visibly irritated with me and my concerns and it was VERY apparent that she was taking it very personally. She was huffy and defensive, for absolutely no reason. The only thing I can come up with for an explanation of her inappropriate attitude and serious lack of professionalism, is that she is either friends with the family of the bully or she was the bully in her childhood and she doesn't like my take on "her". Because there was no other obvious reasons for her attitude toward me at all.
Clara's teacher even came in, the one who's classroom this took place in and we were able to speak as adults and work through everything, and he helped to ease my mind, which is all I needed and really wanted. And he assured me again that he would not allow anything else to happen on his watch. Which I appreciated very much. Good guys. Rotten woman.
She was trying to find inconsistencies with my side of things, she was misquoting my e-mails, claiming that I had left information out or given misinformation, which I hadn't. She was visibly annoyed by me, which I found hilarious. I don't care if she likes me, are you serious right now lady? LOL For anyone to be so upset by a mother voicing her concerns and explaining what has been going on, makes no sense to me. She can go kick rocks.
But I hope it is handled and taken care of now, anyway. And I am so very grateful to the guys who remained patient and kind and understanding and who were so helpful and professional this morning. You guys rock!! :) That's what school staff is supposed to be.
In October, I can't remember if I wrote about this here or not, but in October, the school was brought in on it and they had Clara and the bully sign a no contact contract. This contract states that they are not to speak to each other, they are not to migrate toward each other, they are not to have any form of contact even through other people. They both signed and agreed to this, with the understanding that if they violate the contract, they will face consequences that could lead up to expulsion and a court hearing.
The bully doesn't care, obviously. On Halloween night she tried to come to my house to speak to another child that was in our driveway with Clara. I had to stop the bully and remind her that there was to be no contact.
I made sure when I enrolled Clara in school, that the administration knew of this issue and that they did not put Clara in any classes with the bully. They honored my request except that Clara and the bully have Orchestra and even though it's in different class periods, they have to be in the same room for big rehearsals.
This past Monday, 11/28, bully sat next to Clara with just one child in between the two of them. Bully kept whispering hateful, nasty things to Clara over and behind the middle child. When bully got up to leave, she purposefully hit Clara in the arm with her music stand.
I wrote a letter and sent it to every Principal and teacher that I could think of that would be involved with Clara in any way. Everyone responded positively, except for one Principal who was visibly peeved by me and my concerns.
I asked for a copy of the contract that the girls had signed and asked that it be sent home on Wednesday afternoon. It wasn't. So I wrote them back to let them know how upsetting that was for me. Again, not being rude, just trying to figure things out and letting them know where I sit in all of this. Again, her reply e-mail was defensive and she was obviously offended by me and my words.
I told them I would be at the school this morning around 11am, and the guy Principal was very nice, patient and understanding..he welcomed me in to talk to him. No issues.
So I got there this morning, and interrupting their day and schedule, he was so nice and willing to talk to me and not only talk to me but to listen to me too. She was not as polite and was visibly irritated with me and my concerns and it was VERY apparent that she was taking it very personally. She was huffy and defensive, for absolutely no reason. The only thing I can come up with for an explanation of her inappropriate attitude and serious lack of professionalism, is that she is either friends with the family of the bully or she was the bully in her childhood and she doesn't like my take on "her". Because there was no other obvious reasons for her attitude toward me at all.
Clara's teacher even came in, the one who's classroom this took place in and we were able to speak as adults and work through everything, and he helped to ease my mind, which is all I needed and really wanted. And he assured me again that he would not allow anything else to happen on his watch. Which I appreciated very much. Good guys. Rotten woman.
She was trying to find inconsistencies with my side of things, she was misquoting my e-mails, claiming that I had left information out or given misinformation, which I hadn't. She was visibly annoyed by me, which I found hilarious. I don't care if she likes me, are you serious right now lady? LOL For anyone to be so upset by a mother voicing her concerns and explaining what has been going on, makes no sense to me. She can go kick rocks.
But I hope it is handled and taken care of now, anyway. And I am so very grateful to the guys who remained patient and kind and understanding and who were so helpful and professional this morning. You guys rock!! :) That's what school staff is supposed to be.
New Information
So after my emotional vomit session in my blog yesterday, I wenta researchin' me some real information. Because that's what I do, I research and then I research some more and then some more, and I bother everyone and I get pushy and I ask tons of questions, because I can and because I am an emotionally driven, anxiety riddled, panicky but determined kind of person, I am.
So I am still terrified. Maybe even to the point of being a bit loopy and stupid. o.O I found out that her medicine may not even have a hand in her having a larger risk for getting cancer, it's her disease itself! Kids with JA, because this is not just an achy joints disease but an autoimmune disease, have a higher risk for developing cancers, stomach problems, infections, etc...Because y'all, the JA itself just wasn't enough, right? There have been many, many deaths related to "complications" from JA. Not something that I really wanted to know.
So I am on my knees.
I am experiencing a number of emotions and not too many of them are good or very conversation worthy at the moment. But I will tell you that the one I won't give into, the one I refuse to entertain even for a second, is the feeling of defeat. I will walk through fire to help my baby get better. We will do everything that we can to make sure she stays active and doesn't give in to her disease. And when she can't walk, I will carry her. And when she cannot stay awake, I will hold her. When she is swollen and in pain and she just cannot move, I will comfort her and pray with her for relief and healing. And when she is down and feeling defeated, I will cry out for her and I will be there to help her through.
Because she is 11 years old. She is just a child. My child.
She has just started her life. She cannot give in to giving up now. Not yet, not ever. So we will push through. Today she is back in the wheelchair due to her legs not wanting to work. She was injured yesterday when she fell and hit her head and we do not want any repeats of that. So today she has wheels. ;) I pray that tomorrow she will be walking again.
A Favorite Go To Song For Us Right Now
So I am still terrified. Maybe even to the point of being a bit loopy and stupid. o.O I found out that her medicine may not even have a hand in her having a larger risk for getting cancer, it's her disease itself! Kids with JA, because this is not just an achy joints disease but an autoimmune disease, have a higher risk for developing cancers, stomach problems, infections, etc...Because y'all, the JA itself just wasn't enough, right? There have been many, many deaths related to "complications" from JA. Not something that I really wanted to know.
So I am on my knees.
I am experiencing a number of emotions and not too many of them are good or very conversation worthy at the moment. But I will tell you that the one I won't give into, the one I refuse to entertain even for a second, is the feeling of defeat. I will walk through fire to help my baby get better. We will do everything that we can to make sure she stays active and doesn't give in to her disease. And when she can't walk, I will carry her. And when she cannot stay awake, I will hold her. When she is swollen and in pain and she just cannot move, I will comfort her and pray with her for relief and healing. And when she is down and feeling defeated, I will cry out for her and I will be there to help her through.
Because she is 11 years old. She is just a child. My child.
She has just started her life. She cannot give in to giving up now. Not yet, not ever. So we will push through. Today she is back in the wheelchair due to her legs not wanting to work. She was injured yesterday when she fell and hit her head and we do not want any repeats of that. So today she has wheels. ;) I pray that tomorrow she will be walking again.
A Favorite Go To Song For Us Right Now
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