No Worries and Resolutions

I went to the ER this morning to have them check out my leg. After talking to my Aunts, we figured it would be better for me to just go and not wait in case it was a clot.

They tried to do blood work, but surprise! They couldn't find my veins through the fat, so they moved me along to ultrasound where the Tech was amazing. Talkative, but really comforting and understanding and seriously cheerful and caring. He was great and made me feel not so tense or worried.

He did the ultrasound and let me know immediately, even though he said he wasn't supposed to tell me, that there was not a blood clot anywhere in sight. He said there wasn't even any narrowing of my veins, which was a shock to me with me being so badly overweight like I am. But again, the doctor told me to lose the weight or else I could be dealing with these problems and worse in the near future.

So I got to come home to my family today with that monkey off of my back and feeling a new appreciation for my life. Which I know sounds very cheesy and cliche, but it's true. This whole year, as awful as it has been at times, has forced me to face not only my own mortality but also the mortality of my children and my husband, my mother and my father too...heck I even worried about my brother and he's the most healthy of us all! I have lost so many loved ones this year and having to see death walk away with so many of the people that I love and care for over the past two years has made me gain a whole new respect and love for my own life and the lives of the ones still here, even as bad as it can be at times...I am blessed. We are blessed.

I am making it my goal to let the little things not be big things anymore. Stress less, love more. Let the trivial things go and focus more on letting my family know that I love them enough to chill my anxieties and dramatics that seem to come so naturally to me for some reason, and to just be happy in the moment, (I wish Johnnie would come to the same realization, but I guess we all face our own demons in our own time).

This year I am not going to sit on my butt and watch my life happen without me. I am joining a gym, I am starting a clinic with my doctor for my weight loss, I am getting a job, I am graduating school, and I am getting our credit worked out and fixed once and for all. 2017, God willing, is going to be a great year of triumphs for us.

We have decided to stay put here while we get everything in order (hopefully no more than 6-7 months) instead of trying to do it in our own place and failing miserably because we can't afford it, just forcing us to come back here anyway. This time, we are going to do it right and when we get out, we are staying there. Sadly, it has taken me 36 years to grow up. But than again, I have always been a bit slower than most to figure things out, so it shouldn't be a big shocker for those who are close to me and know me well.

This is our year. 2017 is going to see great new things for us, I am praying and claiming it in the name of God.  <3

A Little Worried

Today was a beautiful day here in Georgia, wasn't it? The temperature was just right and the wind was blowing the leaves around beautifully. We were even fortunate enough to witness several leaf tornadoes in our very own front yard. They scared the babies but the girls thought they were cool. :)

We took the babies up to the top road and let them ride their Christmas toys again. Aiden drove his Batmobile and Kat rode her bike back and forth on the long stretch of road that runs at the top of the hill in front of our house. We all had a great time of it.

Today was just a really good day. I stopped to see God in everything today. I talked to Him quite a bit more than usual too... I don't know why. He was just there with me and on my mind, so I talked.

Marian joined us in the bike riding today too. Her right ankle was hurting her so we decided she should probably ride it out. She did a few laps and then had to go inside and go to sleep. Her body has been tired lately. She's been laying around and sleeping more.

About a week ago I was in the car with my Mom and sharp pains started shooting through my right calf, then cramping. It happened a few times and then it stopped. Immediately I thought of Gramma. My Gramma T., even though I only saw her a few times in my lifetime, meant the world to me. That lady was amazing!! She was tough and sweet all at the same time, a lot like my Papa (her son). She was funny too. I remember her smile the most and her sweet face. I remember how bad it hurt when she passed away and the shock of it for me. I was sure she would outlive us all just on sheer will. (She was tough, remember?) ;) I like to think that some of her lives on in me, I think I got some of my fireball from her. LOL

I went to see my Doctor today and after we talked a bit and she gave me a physical exam, she says she thinks that what's wrong with my leg is possibly a blood clot...just like Gramma. (I believe that's what took her from us.) She also told me that I really need to lose the weight. To say that I am terrified right now would be a serious understatement. I can barely hold a thought. My mind is all over the place. I have an ultrasound at 2pm tomorrow.

If you read these posts, please say a quick prayer that Mary will go into remission soon and that the ultrasound for me will be negative for blood clots. I'm not ready to face my mortality just yet, I still have 4 kids to see live their lives. Heck, I am still waiting to start mine and Johnnie's lives together, we've been on hold for many, many years. While I look forward to seeing Heaven, I don't think I am ready just yet...I hope He understands that.

Christmas and Hearing Aids

Right before Christmas, Marian started her Enbrel shots. She had the first two and 10 minutes later was sick as a dog. She stayed sick to her stomach for well over a week so we decided not to give her the shots again until after the holidays...just in case it was the meds and not a stomach bug. So we will start the shots again on January 06.

Christmas was amazing!! It was not stressful, it was not chaotic, it was perfect!!!

We slept in and didn't get up until 6am this year! We're usually up at 3am on Christmas morning and dead tired by 6am, lol

The kids were super happy with their gifts, even though there wasn't a lot and the older girls didn't really get toys this year, they were happy and grateful for what they did get, which made us happy. :) (Thank you to everyone who helped us make their Christmas amazing!)

Aiden did get a big present and so did Kathryn.

Aiden got the Batmobile and Kat got her bike that she had been asking Santa for all year. Aiden and Kathryn's high pitched, happy, excited and surprised squeals made it for me. The looks on their faces were priceless and just made my day. Clara and Mary were happy too but the excitement is not there for them anymore like it used to be. They've reached that age, 11 and 12, where they don't scream and squeal when they see something special sitting out for them on Christmas morning. Now they are just looking for clothes, shoes and electronics and if there's a giftcard in their stocking, that's a major bonus.They're growing up...way too fast.

We had a few days to rest and then today the doctor's appointments started up again. We had to have Clara in to see her ENT bright and early this morning for her fourth hearing test. They "unofficially" diagnosed her with Meniere's disease in both ears. Her hearing loss is mild to moderate in both ears, but it's enough that they referred her for hearing aids and lots more testing. Now we just wait for the phone call that tells us when her MRI is going to be and where, they said something about Vestibular Rehabilitation and some other test that I just cannot remember the name of now. I really wish that she had not had to deal with this disease...ever. This is a horrible disease and there is not a cure for it. No easy fixes. My Grandmother, my Mom and Johnnie (Clara's Daddy and my husband) all have Meniere's. The ringing never stops for Mom, (I'm not sure about Nanny), and the dizziness along with the hearing loss is enough that it has wreaked havoc on my Mom for years. Johnnie's ringing isn't constant, his hearing loss has been significant though, and the dizziness comes and goes for him but not near as often as it does for Mom and now Clara.

So now, hearing aids... and learning sign language for that just in case scenario that could happen down the road for not only Clara but Mom and Johnnie as well.

Mary's Splints

(The kids waiting for Mary to be called back for therapy this morning)

Mary is now 3 visits in to her Occupational Therapy/Physical Therapy. I love this place!! They already have her gaining motion in her right wrist! What a huge blessing that is! The therapists are wonderful and patient and they know exactly what they're doing. I am so glad that we found this place.

Monday Marian was given a softer, wrap over splint to use at school. She left it on from Monday morning until Tuesday evening, sleeping in it Monday night. Tuesday evening she had bumps and redness all over her hand where the splint had been and she was itching like crazy. She took it off and told the therapist about it this morning. We were told to allow her wrist time without it to see if maybe Marian is allergic to the material and she was given a new splint that is made to fit her wrist and is made out of different material that's harder than the other one.

She wore that at school all day and has not had any problems so far. It's helping with her pain and her mobility also. That's a big YAY! :)

I told y'all, she will beat this. I will WILL her through this if I have to, lol. But she will not lose her mobility. Not as long as I'm here to make sure she gets to her appointments and to remind her to do her wrist exercises twice a day, everyday. She's got this. ;) And it's a major stress off of my mind. <3

She's got a ton more visits ahead of her, but I am fully confident that by the end of this, she will have her wrist back.

Christmas Dinner (At Church)

I have to tell y'all this :)

So after Mary had to endure a very uncomfortable hour and 45 minute long MRI tonight, we went to our Ladies Christmas Dinner at church. We were an hour late, but we made it and I am so glad that we did, (Even though we were not dressed for the dinner because we thought we'd have time to come home and get ready after the MRI). Not only did Marian get a beautiful crocheted blanket that she instantly fell in love with (and will be able to curl up in when she's needs a warm cuddly blanket), but we got to hear the most amazing testimony from a wonderful lady that we adore and we were so blessed to be able to hear an incredible woman named Ms. Tammy speak. I cried tonight, a lot. I cried when they took Mary out to the MRI, after they showed me the scary video that told me she could die on the table if her heart stopped because of the medicine that they had to give her.... o.O And then I cried like a baby, which is so humiliating for me, in the middle of the dinner while Ms. Marylou gave her testimony and then again when Ms. Tammy was speaking to my soul. And then I cried again when I got home and checked my mail only to find a much needed, couldn't have been better timed check inside of a beautiful, sweet card. (I don't know if they want me to say who sent it, so I'm not naming names, but these wonderfully amazing people know who they are). 

So anywho, sitting there tonight in the church gymnasium, listening to what Tammy had to say felt like she was talking not only directly to me but about me as well. Her story about her relationship with her Dad struck a cord with me and hit really close to home, maybe too close. I love my Dad very, very much. He is and always will be my first ever hero and I love him dearly. But I feel like maybe I have lived a life that hasn't brought him much honor or could make him very proud of me. And I definitely do not believe that he knows how much I love and respect him. Her story made me cry, it broke my heart. But I'm glad I was there to hear it. I really needed to be there tonight, to hear all of it. 

She also spoke to us about strained relationships and how God doesn't want us to have these in our lives. We are supposed to be on good terms with everyone, not a single person should have ill will toward us because of us. And of course, this also hit too close to home. So I will be working to make amends to those that I have wronged in any kind of way and really trying not to find myself here again.

What an amazing night after a long, stressful day/evening. And then, at every table there was a gift bag with a present inside for each person attending the dinner. I opened mine when we got home...it was a beautiful Christmas tree ornament that says "PEACE". It is the only ornament on our tree. :) How perfect is that?? :D God always knows, doesn't He? <3

Non-Principals

So yesterday I had a meeting with Clara's administrators and her teacher. I had been emailing back and forth with them over an incident that took place on Monday in one of her classes with her bully.

The meeting went well on one side and not so much on the other. In other words, the teacher and one of the Principals were kind and understanding and willing to work with me and the other Principal was not so much.

Well this rotten Principal emailed me last night and flat out lied to me about her talk with Clara about what had happened in class. She said Clara told her it was an accident, when Clara tried to explain to her the exact opposite. It looks to me like this Principal is trying to side with the bully here and protect her. Which is why this bully thinks she can keep doing this.

I'm not really sure what my next steps are. The police won't do anything because it happened in school and the "proper steps" have to be taken through the school first. So I have no clue. I wrote the other vice Principal in hopes that he is as understanding as he has seemed so far. So now we wait, I guess.

They can't just let this little girl continue to get away with now hitting Clara. This is ridiculous.

Clara's Bully and Our Meeting

Ok, so we have been dealing with the bullying - again. Same girl, same ole stuff. Name calling, making fun of Clara, making fun of us, bringing other people in on it, humiliating and embarrassing Clara, etc...

In October, I can't remember if I wrote about this here or not, but in October, the school was brought in on it and they had Clara and the bully sign a no contact contract. This contract states that they are not to speak to each other, they are not to migrate toward each other, they are not to have any form of contact even through other people. They both signed and agreed to this, with the understanding that if they violate the contract, they will face consequences that could lead up to expulsion and a court hearing.

The bully doesn't care, obviously. On Halloween night she tried to come to my house to speak to another child that was in our driveway with Clara. I had to stop the bully and remind her that there was to be no contact.

I made sure when I enrolled Clara in school, that the administration knew of this issue and that they did not put Clara in any classes with the bully. They honored my request except that Clara and the bully have Orchestra and even though it's in different class periods, they have to be in the same room for big rehearsals.

This past Monday, 11/28, bully sat next to Clara with just one child in between the two of them. Bully kept whispering hateful, nasty things to Clara over and behind the middle child. When bully got up to leave, she purposefully hit Clara in the arm with her music stand.

I wrote a letter and sent it to every Principal and teacher that I could think of that would be involved with Clara in any way. Everyone responded positively, except for one Principal who was visibly peeved by me and my concerns.

I asked for a copy of the contract that the girls had signed and asked that it be sent home on Wednesday afternoon. It wasn't. So I wrote them back to let them know how upsetting that was for me. Again, not being rude, just trying to figure things out and letting them know where I sit in all of this. Again, her reply e-mail was defensive and she was obviously offended by me and my words.

I told them I would be at the school this morning around 11am, and the guy Principal was very nice, patient and understanding..he welcomed me in to talk to him. No issues.

So I got there this morning, and interrupting their day and schedule, he was so nice and willing to talk to me and not only talk to me but to listen to me too. She was not as polite and was visibly irritated with me and my concerns and it was VERY apparent that she was taking it very personally. She was huffy and defensive, for absolutely no reason. The only thing I can come up with for an explanation of her inappropriate attitude and serious lack of professionalism, is that she is either friends with the family of the bully or she was the bully in her childhood and she doesn't like my take on "her". Because there was no other obvious reasons for her attitude toward me at all.

Clara's teacher even came in, the one who's classroom this took place in and we were able to speak as adults and work through everything, and he helped to ease my mind, which is all I needed and really wanted. And he assured me again that he would not allow anything else to happen on his watch. Which I appreciated very much. Good guys. Rotten woman.

She was trying to find inconsistencies with my side of things, she was misquoting my e-mails, claiming that I had left information out or given misinformation, which I hadn't. She was visibly annoyed by me, which I found hilarious. I don't care if she likes me, are you serious right now lady? LOL For anyone to be so upset by a mother voicing her concerns and explaining what has been going on, makes no sense to me. She can go kick rocks.

But I hope it is handled and taken care of now, anyway. And I am so very grateful to the guys who remained patient and kind and understanding and who were so helpful and professional this morning. You guys rock!! :) That's what school staff is supposed to be.

New Information

So after my emotional vomit session in my blog yesterday, I wenta researchin' me some real information. Because that's what I do, I research and then I research some more and then some more, and I bother everyone and I get pushy and I ask tons of questions, because I can and because I am an emotionally driven, anxiety riddled, panicky but determined kind of person, I am.

So I am still terrified. Maybe even to the point of being a bit loopy and stupid. o.O I found out that her medicine may not even have a hand in her having a larger risk for getting cancer, it's her disease itself! Kids with JA, because this is not just an achy joints disease but an autoimmune disease, have a higher risk for developing cancers, stomach problems, infections, etc...Because y'all, the JA itself just wasn't enough, right? There have been many, many deaths related to "complications" from JA. Not something that I really wanted to know.

So I am on my knees.

I am experiencing a number of emotions and not too many of them are good or very conversation worthy at the moment. But I will tell you that the one I won't give into, the one I refuse to entertain even for a second, is the feeling of defeat. I will walk through fire to help my baby get better. We will do everything that we can to make sure she stays active and doesn't give in to her disease. And when she can't walk, I will carry her. And when she cannot stay awake, I will hold her. When she is swollen and in pain and she just cannot move, I will comfort her and pray with her for relief and healing. And when she is down and feeling defeated, I will cry out for her and I will be there to help her through.

Because she is 11 years old. She is just a child. My child.

She has just started her life. She cannot give in to giving up now. Not yet, not ever. So we will push through. Today she is back in the wheelchair due to her legs not wanting to work. She was injured yesterday when she fell and hit her head and we do not want any repeats of that. So today she has wheels. ;) I pray that tomorrow she will be walking again.

A Favorite Go To Song For Us Right Now

I Feel a Breakdown Coming On

The Enbrel has arrived.

Last night we were all sitting in the livingroom, minus Marian, who was in our room talking to Cameron. We look at the monitor and see that UPS has pulled up and Mom is calling through the door that they're here. The guy delivers the cooler and Johnnie brings it inside. My heart immediately fell to my feet and my stomach turned a little. The dreaded shots were here..finally. *eyeroll*

We have not been looking forward to this, not even a little. Mary is dreading the pain and anxiety of the shot, I am dreading administering the shot, and we are all on edge a bit about what the shot will bring as far as Mary's health goes. And here's why:

1. It wipes out her immune system, completely. She will be open to infections, colds, flus, etc. And there is NOTHING that we can do to stop it.
    
2.  It's painful. The medicine burns. The needle is large. We are all used to baby pediatric needles and butterfly needles...not this piercing needle.
3. The side effects are not something to play with or take lightly. Cancer?! IBD?! Crohn's Disease? Serious Headaches? Bad Fatigue?
   
   Really?
   
   I feel like I am just barely teetering on the edge of insanity, y'all. I mean, do I have vials of cancer sitting in my fridge right now just waiting for me to inject them into my daughter? Am I going to be the one to inject my child with the medication that will eventually take her from me? What the heck? This should NEVER have even been a worry that we had to face!! I am so angry! Frustrated! Terrified! Helpless. What is the right decision here? Give it to her and help her with her JA and face the consequences if they come up, or refuse it and allow Mary to be crippled completely by the time she's 18?
   
   Last night and this morning her legs were hurting her and they were weak. She fell this morning while I was walking Kat up to the bus stop and hit her head because her legs gave out. I didn't have the wheelchair though because I forgot it in the back of Johnnie's truck that he had at work. So she had to go to school without it, just hoping she would be able to stay standing all day.
   
   Right now, it just feels like we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. I don't like our options here. IT'S NOT FAIR!!
   
   Mary is kind, she is smart, she is helpful, she is loving, she is a wonderful Christian and warrior for God, she is funny and considerate (most of the time), and she is a CHILD! She doesn't deserve to have to face this. At least, I don't feel that she does.
   
   I know that there is a reason. God has a plan for her life. I really do have Faith in Him and what He is doing. But that doesn't mean that my emotions are not all over the place about it right now. Because right now, I can't see His plan, I cannot know what her path is and why.
   
   I know that this could be worse, she could actually have cancer already, she could already be fighting for her life as so many other babies (grown or not) are out there right now. But it's just as scary to know that because of this, she could end up there...fighting not to walk, but to live.
   
   Mary is everything to me, as are all of my babies. She is the one who loves to watch Hallmark movies with me, and sing and dance and act stupid silly with me in the car. She's the one who loves me to no end, even when I am unlovable. She laughs with me and cries with me. She hugs my neck and kisses my cheek and allows me to do the same. Mary is my baby that stands by me and stands up for me, even if she knows I'm wrong. LOL I love all of my children the same, please do not think I hold favor in any one of them, because I don't. They are all wonderful and beautiful and I would die for any of them. Me and Mary just see eye to eye on a lot of things and I cannot imagine something bad happening to her that I cannot control or fix for her.
   
   I'm scared. I am truly, truly terrified.
   
   The nurse will be here 12/09/2016 to help me give her the first shot that could eventually lead to something horrible. Y'all, I haven't even given her the shot yet and I am already having trouble with this. Please, please, please, please keep us in your prayers. Please pray for no bad side effects, for a steady hand while giving her the shot, and for peace and calming for both of us before and after the shot has been given. 

The needles are the smallest they have, says the Nurse.

These are the extra syringes.

The dreaded cooler that it was all delivered in. "Cooler from Hell"

The medicine. *shudders*

Occupational Therapy Eval

(Marian waiting to go back to meet her therapist)

(Mary asleep in the car after an hour of therapy)

Marian had her initial evaluation with her OT (Occupational Therapist) this morning. I'm listening to ASMR videos on YouTube as I write this and it's very difficult to concentrate, lol.

So we had originally thought that Mary's right wrist was locked up, possibly permanently. This morning, during therapy, we were told that her wrist may not be locked at the bone, but instead it may just be that the muscle became to badly weakened and allowed her wrist to dislocate and grow that way. So in other words, with therapy, she may be able to get it back into the correct position and retrain her wrist to function normally again.

Great News!! I was terrified that she was never going to have a chance at regaining the use of her wrist, but now we at least have hope. :)

Mary will have a total of 8 therapy visits with Decatur Hand and Physical Therapy, after that we will be maintaining the therapy at home. The OT also mentioned that she would like to see Mary out of the wheelchair and instead using a walker that has a seat for resting when she needs it. She is afraid that her legs will do what her wrist did if she continues to stay off of them for 8 hours a day. SO now we ask Dr. B about a walker.

The therapist was amazing. She was soft spoken and very gentle. She was understanding and didn't push Mary if Mary couldn't do something. She gently worked her wrist into moving, which was great, we were scared she was going to push her too far too fast. She worked with her and even though it did hurt Marian, she didn't stop the therapy, she just told her it was hurting and the therapist would stop. But she was also able to move her wrist way more today than I have seen her move it in more than a year. Big, BIG steps forward today. I cannot wait to see where she is after 8 sessions.

The OT is recommending physical therapy for Mary's hips, ankles, legs and back as well. So we will see how that goes. The school mentioned bringing in a PT soon too, so hopefully that will happen sometime after holiday break. It would be wonderful to see her using her wrist and walking more than she's sitting. :)

She had a good day today. She wanted to go to school after therapy, so we raced to Stockbridge from Decatur and got her there just in time. After school, we went to pick up Cameron, when we got home they played for a few hours outside. I love that she gets outside and gets her exercise in when he's here. I am so thankful for this kid. :) <3

And You Get Scoliosis Too!

We started the day scrambling to get everyone up and ready to get out the door in just 15 minutes. I haven't been sleeping well, my sleep is interrupted time and time again all night long, so I am averaging about 3.5-4 hours of sleep a night, interrupted. So when the alarm went off at 6am, I reset it for 6:15am. Which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but this morning, we had to all be up, dressed, fed and out the door by 6:30am. It didn't quite work out that way. I was up, hollering through the house for everyone to wake up, while pulling my clothes on and pulling breakfast biscuits out of the fridge...reading directions to cook them and making sure everyone was getting up, while brushing my hair, hollering some more cause no one was responding, hopping over to my flip flops, and then putting biscuit after biscuit in the microwave. Then I headed out to warm up the car. Thank goodness I made our on the go lunches last night.

We managed to have everyone up by 6:25am, although grouchy and ill cause they were hollered awake, but they were up and getting ready anyway. Kat was crying and having a mental breakdown because she didn't want to be up and then because she wanted a biscuit too (She eats breakfast at school).

So I get everyone out the door. Aiden's cup, diapers, rash cream, blankie, etc all ready to go and we are all splitting up going in two different directions, half of us are moving toward the car, and half of us are going up the hill to take Kat to the bus stop. I had to turn around and have Clara take Kat up cause I forgot something. I had to ask our neighbor, Melissa, to get Kat on the bus for me because we were about 20 minutes behind for a long, chaotic ride on I-285. (Ewwww, Spaghetti Junction)

We got about halfway to the exit of our neighborhood and I remembered our lunch that was left sitting on the kitchen table. Ugh...we had to turn around. We pulled back in the driveway just in time to see Kat getting on the school bus. SMH

So we finally get to I-285 just to reach stop and go, bumper to bumper traffic for the ENTIRE ride to Scottish Rite...we were 10 minutes late.

We had Clara's ENT appointment first. We signed in and they shoved her into a giant metal, sound proofed box and clamped plugs onto her ears. We sat there for 30 minutes as Clara repeated words spoken to her and as she pushed a button to tell when she heard a beep. Then she was given two different computerized hearing tests. Her tests said she barely passed, which as they explained means she failed. o.O

Her hearing is below average in both ears. This is her 4th test, third one failed. First one failed for both ears. So they scheduled a follow-up test for one month from now. Because of the sporadic ringing in her ears and the dizziness, with the hearing loss fluctuation, they believe she has Meniere's Disease like Mom and Johnnie.

Meniere's disease is a horrible, crippling disease to have as an adult. To have it at 12 years old is kinda (a lot) crappy. Van Gogh had Meniere's and they believe that may be what drove him crazy and led to him cutting off his ear. So they are thinking that on the next ENT appointment, they will be fitting her for hearing aids for both ears. :(

After the ENT appointment, we had 2 hours until Mary's appointment across the street. So I took Clara upstairs to her Craniofacial Clinic to see her Orthodontist about the appliance in her mouth. The appliance had been in for a long time and it was starting to hurt her cheek. So Dr. Granger took it out and took a mold of her mouth to make her a retainer. She is thrilled! The first thing she said was "Gum!" "Taffy!" LOL

 

Marian had an appointment with Dr. Pollard, her eye doctor. She had some trouble with her left eye recently and because of the JA being tied to some kids going blind, her Pediatrician made the appointment for Mary. Dr. Pollard did the exam and gave her a clean bill of health for her eyeballs. ;)
He also told us that most of the JA kids who have multiple joints affected usually do not have the eye problems that those with only one or two joints affected have. That was a relief to hear. Of course he says it's medicine, nothing is 100%, but he's betting she will be ok.

After Mary's eye appointment, we headed home. We were there for a few minutes before me and Clara headed back out to CHOA (Hudson Bridge) for x-rays of her spine. Her back has been hurting again recently, so we needed updated films. Sure enough, she has had a 5 degree progression in the top of her spine. Her curvature is at a 13 where it had only been at an eight, 6 months ago. The bottom curvature is a 9.

Mary's curvature is a 10 at the top and a 15 at the bottom.

Crazy isn't it? Both girls have scoliosis. That has got to be some serious Momma-karma coming back on my babies. What are the odds of both of them having it? I mean really..

So now Mary has Scoliosis clinic coming up next week I believe, and we are waiting to hear from them to schedule Clara's clinic date with them. SMH *sigh*

Aiden's Birthday Weekend

Well, another weekend has come and gone. This has been a super busy past few days for us. It feels so nice to wind down, listen to some music and write. 

We picked Cameron up on Thursday instead of Friday this weekend. He and Mary stayed at his Mom's house that first night and then we all stayed there the next night after doctor's appointments and grocery shopping. I got up Saturday morning and we immediately started running around to get Aiden's birthday stuff ready for today. We went to Walmart, where we had a run in with a miserable soul and then went inside to spend way too much money. :/ But it wasn't a totally bad day, we enjoyed the kids, they were pretty good yesterday. We even watched a movie together last night...until I remembered that I had to finish up my school week.

Having 5 kids in your care, whether you are running around or not, is exhausting. The constant chatter, bickering back and forth, hearing all of the "I want that" and the "Mommy, can we", even when no one is asking for something or having breakdowns, just being around 5 kids nonstop gets so tiring. I do not know how people have these huge families and aren't run down all of the time.

Yesterday, Cameron talked Mary into riding her bike with him. She was able to ride for a long while but she ended up paying for it afterward. She was in some pain and her body kept forcing her to sleep, but I don't think she cared. She was happy that she got to ride and have fun. When she went to take a bath last night, we snuck out and to let Cameron buy her some orange flowers and a beautiful anniversary card for their one month anniversary. The card he picked was so sweet and it made her night. She was asleep when we got home, he woke her up with the flowers and then gave her the card. The smile that crossed her face as she read it was priceless. <3

Today we went to pick up 2 of Mary's friends and that made for 7 kids. Holy Lord! I am so glad that I am done at 4, LOL. I just couldn't do it... no way, no how. I bow to all mother's who have more than 4 kids and can still form a coherent sentence.

Aiden's birthday was great! He had a good turn out and got lots of love and attention. He also made out pretty well on gifts. ;) His room looks like a toy store exploded in it. But he's happy and that's all that matters. :) <3


***Friday, Johnnie went for a job interview with General Mills. We are praying that he gets this job. It would be a huge pay raise, we would not have to worry about money again. If you are reading this and you don't mind, please pray that he passed this test and that he gets called back for the job. This would turn everything around for us in such a big way. 

Sick Day?

Y'all, you're about to get a glimpse into how my mind works, how it moves me from one thing to another, allllll day long. LOL

So today we may be dealing with sick babes. Headaches and tummy aches, sore throats and fevers, Oh My! Hopefully we will have a resting day, but I doubt that Aiden will go for that. :P I don't know how the girls will be feeling when they wake up but right now Kat seems to be doing ok. She's behind me on our bed whispering to herself the same thing over and over again, as she often does.

She has energy, so maybe it was a fluke thing or I just need to keep an eye on her to see how she progresses throughout the day?

Kat woke up late last night running a fever. Mary went to bed with her eye hurting, her back hurting, her head hurting and her tummy and throat hurting as well. Lately when her back hurts, her fingers and legs go numb too. She doesn't like that feeling at all and has started having small panic attacks because of it. :(

Aiden's birthday party (he's turning 3!) is this Sunday and it looks like no one is coming. :( We will make the best of it, like we always do, it just bites. I hate it for him. He's really excited about his Batman birthday party. He reminds us about it everyday. <3 "My birfdays coming up."

I rescheduled most of this week's appointments but left mine so I can go see my doctor, and I left the appointment with the kid's therapist because he does so much good for our family. I had to leave the girls (Mary and Kat) 504 meeting for school because that keeps getting messed up and we end up rescheduling (Me or the Principal). So that has to be done now. I think all that fell away was their eye appointment (glasses not eye health) and Mary's MRI, which I know the MRI is important but I didn't have the gas to get up there, a babysitter for Aiden and I was a little worried about driving up in that area (Egleston) at 4pm. I know I have to do it though. I rescheduled it for December 2nd at 4pm. I guess they only do late appointments for new patients? I don't know.

Let's see, what else? I think I may have gotten all of my calls done yesterday, so today I just might have a phone free day!! Yay! That's a plus for the day. :)

I got a letter in the mail saying that Mary has had too many unexcused absences. They tried pulling this with Kathryn too. The days that they have marked as unexcused, I sent excuses in and I ALWAYS ask the girls to make sure they handed them in. Some, I hand deliver myself. Those are marked as unexcused too. The ladies in the front office can't stand me because I don't let them railroad me or my kids and because they think I am just a lazy, irresponsible parent. Of course I can't say she knowingly didn't enter the excuses in to the system, but I have my suspicions. I did hand deliver some of these excuses myself and yet somehow they aren't there...? Odd.

So I have to write new excuses and call doctors to get them to fax new excuses too. That will be tomorrow, or if I'm feeling like it, later today.

I have to go into the dreaded "out there" (Out of my room) and cook breakfast and clean up the kitchen-again. But I really don't want to go out there and clean up the kitchen, I don't want to cook breakfast. I will though because my kids have to eat and they can't live in filth and clutter. But what I really want to do is wash my blankie, then cuddle up with my warm, fresh-from-the-dryer blankie, and watch Hallmark movies all day long. Or watch Christian videos on Youtube. :)

(Daddy tells me this all the time.) :P

Troubled Times

Our lives have been so hectic and crazy lately. I feel like my brain is on constant overload and I am terrified of forgetting something important. I am on the phone most days for hours trying to schedule or reschedule appointments, talking to caseworkers and adjudicators, refilling prescriptions or fighting for refills because people are lazy and don't want to do their job.

I am talking to teachers and school administrators, trying to get forms filled out and sent back on time to wherever it is that they have to go. I'm trying to get x-rays and MRIs done. I just had to cancel Marian's MRI because I can't drive up there at the time that they set her appointment. Not to mention that I need a babysitter and those are like mythological creatures around here.

I have more appointments this week that I have to reschedule because we don't have the gas money for me to get us to them. It's just always something.

I'm trying to get this hospital bed and power chair and lift for the power chair. I don't have the money that we need to pay all of the fees to have them delivered and installed and such. My poor baby was up all night last night crying because her back was hurting her so badly and she couldn't get comfortable anywhere, even in her recliner. I think it's because her recliner broke and now it doesn't really sit right. I don't know, I could be completely off and she's just going to hurt anywhere, who knows anymore?

Man, my mind is just swimming. Too much information!! Too much to remember, too much to organize and schedule and plan...UGH! Not to mention the mental anguish of not being able to help her.

I can't give her pain medicine because of her Meloxicam and Leflunomide. So she just has to hurt through it, which makes it worse on her and me. Her because she's in pain and me because I can't take watching her be in pain and I'm helpless, I can't fix it for her.

She came to me last night and her left eye was hurting her. The same eye that was just hurting her because of a bump being inside of her bottom lid. She did antibiotics for that but now this morning, it's swollen and red and causing her more pain. Guess what that means? Another doctor's appointment! OMG! Another day that I need a babysitter for Aiden because he is off the chain, crazy wild, and I can't handle him for the hours long wait in our Pediatrician's office.

My heart has started hurting recently, these sharp electric like shocks of pain just radiating through it. I'm getting dizzy spells, feeling like I'm going to faint and have to fight it off just to stay conscious. My speech slurs like I'm drunk and it takes a concentrated effort to put together a sentence because my brain is trying to trail off. IT'S STRESS! I know it is. Doesn't mean it's not still scary, but it is from all of this crap that is always sitting on my chest. I need a break. My kids need a break.

I feel like I need to format my hard drive. My memory is full and my desktop is too cluttered.

I have gained an unreasonable amount of weight this year, my eyebrows make me look like Bert (or Ernie), I need new clothes cause mine all have holes in them, making me look more homeless than I actually am, my hair is all too often disheveled and unkempt, and my smile has run away. I am a sad, sad creature right now, y'all. Please keep me and my family in your prayers..we need them so badly. 

Normally I wouldn't post such a raw, unedited, unposed picture of myself (I just took this photo and posted it). But this is me nowadays, for better or for worse. Thank God Johnnie is understanding and loves me anyway. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't here beside me through all of this. He is my rock, my strength, my light at the end of the tunnel. God knew exactly what he was doing when he put us in each other's path. I truly believe that with my whole heart. He knew just how much I would need to lean on Johnnie and how much I would need his strength and love. And how no one else could fulfill that need like Johnnie has. I love this man beyond words and explanations. <3

I put these pictures up just to show a difference by comparison. This bottom photo was taken after Aiden was born three years ago, before we had any clue what was about to happen to Marian and how all of our lives would be turned upside down. I think that I have aged 20 years in the past 3 years. The top photo was taken a few weeks ago. Aye Yai Yai

I Need A Miracle

Cry Out To Jesus

Dealing With People

Dealing with the public has never been my strong suit. I have social anxiety, panic disorder and I just don't generally agree with people because the majority of people lack common sense, compassion for others, and are just very self-absorbed. And I cannot fake happy. I also cannot control my facial expressions very well, when I try to I usually end up with a blank stare or zombified look. Not pretty.

One thing I really cannot take is when I know that I have a valid issue to discuss and have corrected, and someone "Customer Services" me. Ohhhh, this irritates me to no end!! And it is done, often, by one person in particular.

Another thing that gets under my skin is when someone patronizes me, thinking I am an idiot because they don't know me. Again, happens all too often.

I think by now, anyone who has been reading this blog knows that I am not lacking in intelligence. I may be an emotional mess, I may have a loud mouth, but stupid? Nah, that's not me.

So why then do these people continue to treat me as if I am brain dead? o.O

I am so sick of people acting like Mary is just trying to get attention or that she's lazy or pretending to be sick and in need of her wheelchair! My baby goes through a lot. Her body isn't a typical healthy 11 year old's body. SHE IS SICK!! Dang, I wish people would realize this.

IT'S NOT "JUST" ARTHRITIS! IT'S JUVENILE ARTHRITIS. Which is an autoimmune disease. It isn't just a slight ache here and there when the air gets cold. (Although the weather does make it worse), it's also that my daughter is 11 years old and her body cannot hold her up from day to day. It may hold her fine today, but tomorrow she won't be able to walk. She may be able to walk from the car to the house today, but tomorrow, I will have to carry her in. And just because she can walk from the classroom to the bathroom, doesn't mean she can walk to (and back from) the cafeteria that is on the other side of the school.

Not to mention, again, it's an autoimmune disease. She gets extremely bad headaches, sometimes from the medicine, sometimes from the disease. She has stomach aches and body aches (not just little ol' lady pangs here and there) but real pains. Her ENTIRE internal system is affected by this. And we never know how it will attack her from day to day.

Geez! Wake up people! Research what you are judging. Stop being so simple minded. Stop believing you know everything based on what you think you see. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!! And you won't, until you care to actually pay attention and get to know her and her life.

I'm tired, y'all. I am slowly losing my filter. I am losing my ability to hold my tongue and it's just getting harder and harder. I am about to go off and that's not going to be good for anyone.

When I got Mary from school today, I was met at the door by a staff member who informed me that I haven't been sending notes in with Mary when she is in her wheelchair stating that I'd be picking her up that afternoon. Well duh! She can't get on the bus in her chair now can she?? Hello, McFly!! *knock, knock* Is anybody home? This is a perfect example of a policy zombie.

I maintained and told her that it was supposed to be in her 504 that I would pick her up when she was in the chair and I was told that was sufficient enough. She said, "I don't look at 504s." My thoughts? "Either start looking into the 504s that you are curious about or mind your own business, but stay out of my way with your bad attitude and stop looking down your nose at me. I'm guessing I'd be right in thinking maybe you have your own issues to tend to."

But that's not what I said of course. Cause I am trying hard to remain nice and get through this year without an incident and I really do hate to be ugly to someone, even if they do deserve it. I feel bad afterward every time I have to tell someone how I feel, but they are making this very difficult.

So then she asks me, "Do you know what days she will be in the chair?" o.O *sigh* SMH

Why yes, she won't be able to walk tomorrow, next Wednesday, Dec. 23rd and possibly next June.

Y'all....smh. I am trying so hard.

Overwhelmed

Disclaimer: I am going to whine a little y'all. I think I have earned my moment to have a pity party. 

I am really going through it right now y'all. If I had a magic wand that would allow me to turn off all of my emotions, I would do it in a second, no hesitation. I am already an emotional person, I feel deeply and it can get extremely overwhelming at times. Not to mention that I have severe anxiety and without an everlasting guiding light, I can easily feel lost in the darkness. In other words, without a plan or a way out, I feel like there is no hope. 

I cannot feel like there is no hope. 

If I start to feel that way, Mary will start to feel it too. Good God, the pressure to remain strong and hold it together is too much sometimes. I am human too after all. The need to breakdown and just go inside of my head and stay there is very real. I feel like I just need to get in my truck and drive until I hit the ocean. Blaring my Christian music all the way, windows down, wind in my hair and on my face...I need to escape. But I just keep hitting walls. 

I cannot concentrate on much right now and the lurking responsibility of me even finishing a days assignments in my classes is like grating my skin. The housework has gone to hell and my urge to even feed my family is just not there.

Yes, I have already scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I know exactly what's going on. And I obviously am not against reaching out for help. I don't want to be responsible right now. I, in no way, shape or form want to adult even for a minute, but I will because I have to. Mommy doesn't get to stop going because she can't handle things. Mommy has to handle things.

Honestly, you guys, I am just ready for the Resurrection. I wish He'd come back now. I wish He would just take us home, reach down and pluck us all out of this place. I'm ready.

I can take a lot. Physical pain is nothing for me. Burn me all day long, I can take it. But my kids being in pain, I can't take that. I can't see my daughter, who should be perfectly healthy, try to stand up in the morning and fall to the floor because her body won't hold her up. I can't watch as her personality changes right before my eyes and turns her slowly into someone that she is not, blocking out that once shining girl who loved life and was happy and playful and kind. 

This is sheer agony. 

She has immediate needs that I cannot meet because we don't have the money. There is disappointment, fear, anxiety, extreme sadness, it's just too much. I just want to throw in the towel right now. I can't do this, y'all.

Having all of this going on with Marian, and then also having to try to hold myself together through Kathryn's breakdowns and meltdowns, trying to juggle what is going to set her off, what is going to cause a fight with her, or Clara, or Mary, or Aiden and sometimes even Johnnie (because he's feeling the stress too), is just so much to handle. And then worrying about if I am going to anger my parents in someway too? It's just crazy. I need time off, but there isn't a clock to clock out. There's not a vacation sign-up sheet for me. No sick days, nothing. I am in it, nonstop, no way out.

I can't even drink, darn it. It just gives me gas and with my stomach being messed up like it is, gas feels like a death sentence. (Sorry, I have to try to smile or I can't get through this. I'm not really a drinker, I just talk big, lol)

I need to go to church. I need that feeling that I have in that place. I need to go talk to God. (Yes I talk to Him all the time here, but it's not the same, I don't care what anyone says, it's just not.) But I can't drag my big ol' butt out of bed to get there! Isn't that stupid? LOL Geez, I am losing my mind. 

I miss my church family so much. I think about them all daily. I know I should be there with them. I even know that I would feel loads better if I was there but this depression is stronger than anyone knows and it's got a tight hold on me. 

I hope my doctor can and will help. Cause this is just dragging me down when I need to be at my strongest. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I feel like I'm sleepwalking anyway, just without the rested feeling. :(

Healer

Now Scoliosis?

I just talked to Mary's pediatrician. She has scoliosis. Her curvature is a 10 for now.

So now we go to CHOA at Egleston to the Scoliosis Children's Clinic. You can imagine the panic that is screaming inside of me right now, right? I mean seriously?? Now this?

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, the tears are streaming.

What is going on here? Juvenile Arthritis, ADHD, Anxiety, Night Terrors, ASD, ODD, etc... Why my kids?

Yeah, that's where this Mommy is right now...in the Why's?

What now? Where does this path lead us? Surgeries for Mary now? More doctor's appointments that we can't afford? More to keep up with? My brain is so tired now. How will it keep up with yet another thing?

Why am I not already an alcoholic?! Ok, not really, but come on. Wine, anyone?

I am a bit overwhelmed here.

Mary's Spinal X-Rays

Today I took Marian to have x-rays done of her spine. Her pediatrician, Dr. Barnwell, suspected scoliosis a while back and sent us for x-rays, but they came back inconclusive. Well, her back started hurting more and more frequently, so he sent us back for more x-rays. Sure enough, her curve has grown and now I am almost positive that he's going to say she has scoliosis.

Here is the x-ray of her standing straight up...

There is no denying a curvature in her spine now. It's definitely there. I don't even know what this means really as far as what we do about it, treatments, braces, etc. I am saving my freak out until I talk to Dr. Barnwell. 

Pharmaceutical Companies Are Stupid!

So we went to see Dr. Vega on the 4th of this month. I can't even remember if I posted about that appointment or not, but I probably have. Anyway, she put Mary on Enbrel shots, two shots once a week.

I went to check on her prescription and they told me that our insurance was denying it. So I asked how much it cost out of pocket...never ask how much it cost out of pocket...lesson learned.

$5,000 per shot, per week. $10,000 a week.

o.O

I came home immediately and called her doctor. They just called me back and told me that they are pushing the paperwork through now and are hoping to hear back from our insurance by Wednesday.

$10,000 a week.

O.o

These people are stupid.

MRI

We got a call on our way to one of many of our doctors, and it was someone from Mary's team. They said that her x-ray showed an abnormality and they wanted to schedule an MRI of her right ankle. I went back and looked through her tests results to see what was going on because the caller was so vague and I found that she has some loss of the density of her ankle bone and the tissue that sits just under it, the "cushiony" part that helps her ankle bear her weight when she stands on it.

She's home from school today because she isn't feeling well. Hopefully we will get a call for an MRI soon.

**Update**
I just got the call to set up the appointment. She will be having her MRI on 11-08-16 at Egleston Children's Hospital. So now we wait.

Where Is God In All of This?

I was told today that a child being allowed to suffer is the reason that someone doesn't attend church. I immediately felt defensive and saddened and unsteady all at the same time. I love this person more than anyone else (other than my children), and cannot imagine an eternal ever after without them. It makes me ill, it makes me angry, it makes me scared to hear that they allow their tiny bit of faith to be shaky for any reason.

I have thought and thought on this since having this conversation and this is what I have to say about this.

Where is God? 

He is right beside my baby girl. He is holding her hand. He is carrying her weak body when she can't.

How is He doing this?

We didn't have the money for a wheelchair. We have not made many of the right decisions in life and we have faced many financial consequences because of those choices. But God still provided not one, but two wheelchairs for us. Why? Because we have not one need, but two. We have two daughters that at different times, for different reasons, cannot carry their own bodies. So God provided a chair for each girl by way of loved ones and a doctor who cared enough to get our insurance to cover it for us.

Where is God when she is in pain and suffering so badly? An eleven year child should not have to go through this kind of thing.

Steady My Heart

He is there. He is keeping her faith in Him strong because even in all of this pain, she feels Him there. She knows that even though she's hurting and it sucks, it is part of His ultimate plan for her life. Even if we cannot see what that plan is right now, it will be revealed in His time, when everything He has set in motion comes together.

Maybe she will counsel other kids like herself. Maybe she has something in her future that she needs to be mentally strong for. I don't know why my baby has to live in pain, but I do know that I trust God and I love Him and what He has done for us every step of the way, even though we really, really don't deserve any of his Grace...He still gives it, time and time again, even though we fail Him daily.

I am not the best Christian in the world. I am not even a good Christian, y'all. I fail daily. I give in to my flesh and shame Him constantly. But I always have my Faith in Him. I once questioned whether there even was a Him, I will NEVER do that again. I KNOW He is there, always. I know that if my child has to go through this, He has a reason for it. ANd while I may question Him too sometimes, and I may have a bad day and argue with Him, I trust in His reasons. It just may take me some deep breaths and reevaluation to remember that sometimes.

Revelation Song

It is not for us to question. It is not for us to understand. He has her in his hands and He will not do her wrong. She is His child, she loves Him and He loves her. He is making the hard decisions to be better able to care for her in her future. He is watching out for her in ways that we cannot. He knows her future, I do not.

It is not easy for me to entrust my babies to someone else, y'all. But to Him, I lay them at His feet and beg Him to take care of them.

Healer

Thank you God for all that you have done for us. Thank you God for carrying my baby when I cannot. Thank you for your forgiveness and your mercy. I put this person in your hands, Lord, please open his heart and allow him to feel your presence in his life. Show Him what only you can. Please wrap him in your arms and give him no other choice but to feel your love for him.
In Jesus Name, Amen!

God is in her smiling face, He's in her laugh. He is why she is here. He gave her to us. Marian is a gift from Him. This is where He is.

I Am Not Alone

Mary's New Diagnosis

We just got back from Egleston. Mary saw Dr. Vega-Fernandez this morning. From the door to the back, we saw 5 different people, answering lots of questions, many of the same repeated. By the time Dr. Vega got to us, I was ready for a nap and so was Mary. LOL Lots of thinking and talking going on...makes my brain tired, especially right now. There is so much going on and we aren't getting nearly enough sleep at night. I'm exhausted.

I really do like Dr. Vega though. She does a full physical every visit, and today was no different. She knew where Mary was in pain just by looking at her and then she could tell where she hurts in places that weren't hurting today, just by feeling her joints.

I didn't even know that Mary's left knee, leg and ankle were swollen as badly as they are, until I saw her in those exam shorts sitting on the exam table. Her left knee is really big from the swelling. Her big toe too. She is hurting so badly in her big (left) toe, the heel of her foot and her achilles tendon, that she's having trouble walking. I have my suspicions that she will be back in the wheelchair by the end of this week. I think that her going back to public school is causing some irritation as well. A lot of walking going on everyday now.

So Mary's new diagnosis is JIA/Psoriatic Arthritis. Her left wrist and hand are starting to show signs of possibly becoming like her right wrist and hand, as well as her left foot and big toe. Her right wrist and hand have muscle atrophy. So they are referring her out for Occupational Therapy and have switched her medications to now include Enbrel. She will be getting two shots a week for at least the next 3 months. She wasn't happy but she got to choose between Enbrel and Humira, the difference being two shots every week (Enbrel) and a shot every other week (Humira), but Humira stings worse than Enbrel. She picked the more frequent but less painful meds.

She was very upset that she had to have a Flu shot today. Not a happy camper. I think she wanted to throw down with Dr. Vega on that one. LOL But she did it and now it's done. She's good until next year, I hope.

I am terrified of this medication. I won't try to lie and be brave at all. I am worried sick. It lowers her immune system leaving her susceptible to infections, viruses and possible cancer and death. But it's the only thing to slow down this process and possibly keep her from becoming completely immobile before she's even had a chance to experience life.

I am a little emotional over this right now, y'all. I thought it was bad that she lost the use of one hand, but to possibly lose both hands and her left foot? This is just too much. It's crazy, right? She's 11. Eleven years old!! She still has to get her driver's license, dance at her Prom, walk her Graduations, walk down the aisle at her wedding, run marathons, climb mountains, cook! (She wants to be a chef for goodness sakes!)...her entire life is still waiting for her. She has to be able to move through it.

I am ready to crawl out of my skin and hide my head under a rock. Cancer? Really?? This medication can lead to Cancer? Am I even doing the right thing by allowing them to put her on it? Cancer is not a joke. It's not something to just try to dodge the best you can. Right?

I don't know. I don't know if I am making the right choices for her. I hope I am. I hope I can go against my own better judgement and let go and trust this doctor. But what if that's the wrong thing to do? What then? I lose Mary? Well, that's just not acceptable.

Please pray for her. For us. Please please just keep her in your thoughts and remember her name when you talk to God. We need everyone lifting her up right now.

Overcomer

Family Fun Day and Diagnosis

So on Friday, we had a session with the Psychologist. He is awesome! I didn't think the kids were going to talk to him, but they have opened up to him and they really like him. He was with Kat for 5 minutes the first session and I could see it all over his face that he saw in Kat what I see in her. And then this last session, I told him that I needed him to fill out a form for the school to be able to move forward with her 504. He asked me what the 504 was supposed to include and I let him know that the school needed an official diagnosis, if she was ADHD or if she wasn't. He raised an eyebrow and said, "Really?" like saying, "They don't know already"? So he filled out the paper and officially diagnosed her with ADHD. He even let me know that he was suggesting medication.

I know that I have family and friends that think that's a big mistake, and they had instilled the fear of God in me because of their thoughts and opinions on this. I swore that I wasn't going to medicate her. I researched and researched and because of my own mental issues and anxieties, I scared myself to death. I told him all of this. I told him my fears and explained why I had them. He in turn explained to me the facts, the risks, and the myths.

I have been told everything from it will turn her into a zombie to they won't allow her into college if she is diagnosed with ADHD. Unfortunately, she IS in fact ADHD and she needs help, because if she doesn't receive the help, she won't be able to focus in school and be able to graduate in order to make it to college. I know all of this because I am ADHD and it was missed with me. I spent my entire time in school thinking I was just an idiot who couldn't get it. I was told my whole life that I was just a spoiled brat (What a joke).

There are far too many negative effects that can come about for her if this is ignored. ADHD doesn't go away. It may change, it may look different as she grows up, but it will always be there. You can't spank it away and you can't ignore it away. You also cannot will it away and you can't love it away.

I need help with Kathryn. I cannot handle her when she is in full on ADHD days. She doesn't listen, she fights with everyone, she steals, she lies, she doesn't recognize danger, she argues, she has huge meltdowns, she hurts herself, she hurts her brother. I can't fix this for her by ignoring it or by spanking her. This isn't a behavioral disobedience, she really can't help it.

So, we talked and he told me that medications have come a long way. They have a new time released medication that can really help her focus and do good in school. It will be wearing off by the time she gets home, so I will still have about an hour or two before bedtime where she may have trouble, but I can handle that. I really want her to do good in school. That's what matters.

So she has been officially diagnosed with ADHD combined, with Anxiety. Her name is on a waitlist to get in with the developmental pediatrician in Atlanta. There we will find out more about her current diagnoses and have her tested for Autism Spectrum Disorder. High Functioning. I believe she falls on the spectrum. So we shall see.

This day was extremely hectic and frustrating and stressful. Kat was in full force and just fighting everyone. We were all pulling our hair out, so me and Clara decided to sneak out and go to DQ for ice cream. Then we went and bought Kat's birthday present. We still weren't ready to give in and go home, so we went down to the lake to walk. It was so beautiful. The sun was setting and the ducks were all coming out to meet in the middle of the lake. I don't know if this is an every night thing that they do at sunset or not, but it was beautiful! We just watched in awe and listened to them talk to each other. They came in from every direction of our lake. There were more than a hundred of them, easily. It even sounded like they were laughing. LOL
----------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, we had a wonderful day out with all of us. We took the kids to Salem Park to play on the playground and to feed the ducks/geese.
When we got there, the kids went to the playground and I went to feed the first set of ducks/geese. They ran up to me, I fed them and then they ALL started to come to me. Then they began to fight each other for the food. :/  There were a lot of them.

Kathryn saw me and came over and started feeding them with me. She was scared but she did it. I was very proud of her. She had a few moments when I thought she was going to lose it, but she held it together and fed them and then ran back to the playground screaming, "Don't bite me! Don't bite me!" the whole way, straight through the geese. LOL

Kat Feeding the Geese

I walked around the lake and then came back to take Aiden out to feed them. He loved it. He was throwing the food at them though and causing the ducks to bite each other, he thought it was hilarious, but I felt bad for the ducks, they kept coming anyway.

We brought the guys home and me and the girls headed out to my Aunt's pool. It was bittersweet. The last swim of the year. :(

We got there and there were giant spiders and scorpions on the bottom of the pool, there was a little freak out moment for us all and then we cleaned it out and stepped into the water...and stepped immediately back out. It was freezing!! The girls started back in and thought they were going to ease in and get used to it inch by inch, lol...I jumped in and got it over with. It was awful. They were asking if their lips were blue and shivering but they wanted to swim. So we all went under and took the time to get used to it and had a blast swimming for about 45 minutes when I had to get out. They stayed in for another hour! Mommy just couldn't hang.

The girls had fun. They played with each other and actually got along for the most part. I just enjoyed watching them. It's rare to have them all together and not have to yell the whole time.

We had a great day and headed home for a great night. I love days like this.

(She thinks she's Harley Quinn, lol)