I learned that the tantrums are "normal" for ADHD and even Autistic children. I still believe that she is at least borderline Autistic.
I learned that she can not always help not paying attention to me, or ignoring me, or interrupting me. I learned that even though she may not want to do the things she knows will upset me, her Daddy or her siblings and Grandparents, she can not stop from doing them. Her brain won't allow her to think through it and realize there will be consequences to her actions. So even though she knows right from wrong, she has to act if her brain tells her to do so, even if she doesn't necessarily want to.
I don't know what to do to help her, y'all. I know that up until now, I have been going at this all wrong, not really having an understanding heart and not really working with her.
I have to learn how to parent her. Because she is going to take a whole different approach to parenting. This is new to me. I just thought she was being bad, rebellious even. I mean I knew something wasn't quite right, but I thought she was doing a lot of this on purpose. Now I know better. And I am so broken-hearted for my baby. :(
I also learned that a messy, cluttered house can cause her stress and for her brain to be more chaotic. I completely understand that because it does the same thing to me. So today, I got up and cleaned, organized and got rid of lots of needless stuff. I want this house to be warm and inviting for her. I want her to feel safe and protected and comfortable. I can not stand chaos, so I definitely don't want her to feel that way.
She went to Awanas tonight. I told her teachers that she is not to have anything with sugar or dyes, (I forgot gluten), and when they told me that tonight was their ice cream party, there was no point in telling them no dairy... :/
Of course I could not tell her no. All of her friends would be eating it in front of her and she's 5! I don't know how to handle these situations yet.
So of course...
Tonight she woke up in a tantrum. These tantrums can last anywhere from a few seconds to an hour. And there is nothing I can do for her. She will not let me hold her, touch her, talk to her, or do anything to help her. I'm not really even sure she is fully conscious when she's having them. They scare me and break my heart. I do not like being helpless when it comes to my kids. And there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her. Sometimes, most times really, she will let her Daddy hold her and soothe her. Very rarely, she will allow me to comfort her. Very rarely.
Tonight I recorded her tantrum. I just want to be able to show her doctor, so he knows what I'm talking about, what I am trying so desperately to explain to him.
Kathryn's Sleep/Waking Tantrum
After listening to that, you will better understand my sleepless nights, my breakdowns after a full week of no sleep, and why I hurt so badly for my baby. This went on for about 4 minutes before I asked Johnnie to bring me my phone to record her, and it went on for about 5 more minutes after I turned off the recording. Johnnie came out of the bedroom and picked her up and sang to her and in less than 2 minutes, she was sound asleep on his chest, breathing normally. Calm.
(I don't know what she'd do without him.)
I don't know if the tantrum was brought on by all the sugar and dairy, or if it's a side effect of the Clonidine she's been taking at night to help her sleep (it hasn't been working so well lately), but I know that I am cleaning the house of all sugar and dyes and dairy tomorrow. It's just not worth it. And every ailment, disease, disorder, ache and pain in this household can be helped to be better by cutting out all of those things from each of our diets.
Y'all, I seriously feel like people probably look at my Facebook posts and this Blog and think, "Man, that woman is just nuts! She's making things up to get attention and she's using her kids to do it!" But y'all, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. I was a super healthy little girl (except that I too probably have ADHD). I don't remember ever even going to the doctor (except for vaccinations), until I was pregnant with Clara at 23 years old. And now my entire family is sick all around me and I am having to learn a whole different world. One of sickness and pains, diseases and disorders, tears and tantrums, frustrations and emotional outbursts. It's crazy.
I went though a lot when I was growing up. From being picked on relentlessly, to much bigger, deeper traumas, and I suffered with anxiety and depression all the way through to my adult life because of it. One thing I will always remember, especially now, that my Mom used to say to me was that I was being prepared for something in my future. That I was being taught early on to have a thick skin because I was going to face something that I needed to be strong for. This is it.
Right now, in this house, in this family, we have diabetes, hypoglycemia, JIA, asthma, Meniere's disease, hearing loss, hindered eyesight, ADHD (possibly Autism too), anxiety and panic disorder, night terrors (Marian had this too until age 7), severe phobias, and then all of my fat girl health problems. It's C-R-A-Z-Y!
And to top it all off, Mary has been in severe pain with her back for the past 2 days. I am praying it's not the JIA. And Clara's knees are hurting her again. o.O
We need a day of normalcy, like now. I am so glad that Spring Break is coming up soon, (We thought it was this week, but we were wrong). We need to take some time off of school and everything else, lock ourselves inside this house and just relax together, watching movies and playing games.
I anticipate tonight is going to be a long night.
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